Thought Process

I think D has given up on me. I've emailed him a few times but he hasn't responded. I figure one of the following must have happened:

-He's incredibly busy (which has usually been true in the past) and either doesn't have time or keeps forgetting to write back.
-He's met someone and either feels guilty for keeping up a friendship with someone he used to have feelings for, or she alerted him to how silly it is to keep up a friendship with someone he used to have feelings for.
-He still has feelings for me and is tired of keeping up a friendship on the off chance it might lead to something again. Especially since we live thousands of miles apart and only email once a month if that.

I don't know. Maybe it's for the best. I can't really say that I miss him since our modes of communication are limited and we only actually use them every once in a while. But still, it's nice to check in with an old friend occassionally.

I had a little breakdown a few weeks ago. The first one in a long time...something like 2 years. I pretty much just cried and cried and cried until I realized I wouldn't stop unless I called someone. There were a couple people I could have called, but I didn't really want to call anyone. I finally picked up the phone and called the one person I knew would not only be there for me, but would be happy that I called. It bothers her that I don't often reach out for help when she knows I can make myself suffer.

Anyway, we talked, I cried, she listened, I repeated myself and was self-deprecating, she was supportive and positive. I felt better after we hung up, and I knew it was mostly because I had talked and not kept bottling. After all, it was a buildup of a couple years. The sadness lingered for a few days but eventually it was pushed aside. It was all about the same thing of course...being alone, not being able to open up, wondering why I haven't met one single person in the last 8 years that has sparked any kind of feeling in me whatsoever, how it is that I can be totally happy alone and yet still yearn for company...yes, all the same turmoil I usually harp on when I fall into the sadness spiral.

But the difference is this time, I've been promising myself things with the actual intent to follow through. Change. Being open to experiences. Opening my heart. Looking to find, hoping to be found.

It's all about thought process...I've always known that. The trouble was altering mine.

Maybe now that I'm finally changing channels my vision will clear.