Queen Vee's Vicarious Sex Education

A list of firsts as I can best remember. Many other scenes may have been witnessed by these eyes before I could record them mentally, but these are the basis of my enlightenment. Enjoy.

My first vicarious visual of a man's penis: Wild Things
Kevin Bacon, you were my first! And yes, I was in college. Someone just buy me a freakin' habit already. Only a glimpse, but I count it. Never saw An Officer And A Gentleman. My first porn was later in college. Some friends and I rented this Italian one because Jean and I thought it had a storyline. Pretty much just scene after scene of 6 guys cumming on one girl's face. The Ron Jeremy flick I saw years later was much more entertaining. (Strangely, this is the only lesson I actually learned before vicariously experiencing it. I was about 8 years old and playing with my friend who lived down the street when the bathroom door opened. There was her brother, naked and balancing on top of the laundry hamper. I couldn't imagine what that thing was dangling between his legs.)

My first vicarious visual of another woman's vagina: Basic Instinct
Ok so I was like 14. On a family vacation out West my father and I rented a movie in the hotel room while my mom went to sleep. Obviously he didn't know the movie content. As the sex scenes revved up I would look at him, more interested in his reaction to the fact that I was watching it than actually watching it. When he noticed he threw a pillow at my face and said, "cover your eyes." I knew then that he knew I knew about sex. I was naive what can I say?

My first vicarious witness to a female flip her bean: Sliver
Oddly enough another Sharon Stone flick two years later. Again, I told you I was naive. That whole shower scene is burned into my brain and to this day makes me completely paranoid that someone is watching me. Obnoxious.

My first vicarious simulation of a male spank his frank: Pump Up The Volume
(I have seen more actual public spankings than I want to, and in light of that I think I just can't remember the first actual vicarious one.) Ah the innocence. I had no clue why Christian Slater was making that noise until someone told me later. I could claim it as not really paying attention to the movie, but we all know the truth.

My first vicarious blow job: Heathers
I thought I was so badass when I saw this movie because it was rated R. I went over to JU's house, a rebel of sorts at 11 years old, and watched it with her and her older sister (who ended up being sent to boarding school after she dropped her hair dryer in the sink while the faucet was on. On purpose.) Of course, I didn't actually know the meaning behind the Maxell poster until a year or two later when I learned what a blowjob was on the school bus.


My first vicarious lick job: I don't know the name of it, but I'm pretty sure it starred Mary Stuart Masterson or at least an actress that looks like her.
All I remember is she's at work on the phone and this guy under her desk goes down on her. It's all she can do to keep from moaning into the phone. It was all I could do to keep from crying that I'd never felt that pleasure.

My latest vicarious experience of double oral and rough sex: A History Of Violence
I admit, had to rewind both scenes and watch them again. Not a lot is shown but damn does it point you in the right direction. Couldn't get either out of my head for a long time until...

My latest vicarious sex experience: P.S.
Oh the mounting. And on Topher Grace, one of my favorites. He calls himself wirey in the movie which makes me like his skinny ass even more. Maybe it's because you can't see anything but her slow bouncing that this scene will not leave me alone. Imagination is a powerful thing. I found myself replaying it in my head on my morning commute the other day and had to force myself to stop before things got too exciting. Ah Laura Linney you made it look so easy and enjoyable.