I watched a documentary called (A)Sexual the other night on Netflix. I'm not sure if it helped or just added a layer of "so what?" to my issue with sexuality, but I guess I'm glad I watched it. At the very least it has legitimized my thought/fear posted about a few times in this blog that my feelings of sexual attraction are much less than "normal". I took a few "are you an asexual?" quizzes online, because we all know that's a healthy thing to do, and they all resulted in a yes.
The thing is though I don't think I'm asexual. I mean, I guess I'm on the spectrum the same way people are now on the autism spectrum (consequently some argue asexuality can be linked to a type of autism- the not wanting to be touched and so forth) but the more I read about it the less clear my position becomes. You would think it would be the opposite. Though most of the people behind the asexual "movement" so to speak admit it is the farthest thing from black and white the questions they pose regarding the actual act of sex with another person I obviously can't answer or even pretend to. They say in response to people who don't believe asexuality exists that you can know you don't like/want sex if you've never had it. It's not a repression or fear. Like sexual attraction exists, no sexual attraction exists. I'm not sure why that is unbelievable to some people.
In some of the articles I read the question is asked, do you see people you'd like to have sex with just by looking at them? My answer is no, but is it because I genuinely don't think about sex when I think about being with a guy or is it because I've never had sex? I have a hard time imaging having sex. That whole 'people think about sex x number of times a day' is crazy to me. I only think about it when watching tv or a movie and the requisite sex scene arrives. I always root for it, like watching and am even turned on, but I'm not at my desk during the day thinking, "man I need to have sex. Look at that guy I bet he's amazing in bed." An asexual would be unhappy with my questioning my answer because maybe I do know that I don't like it and just can't admit it to myself. I just feel like I have to try it before I can make that determination. Everyone is different. Some days I really, really want to have sex, some days I think ew, do I really have to do that? It's so messy. I'll have to do laundry every time.
At any rate, realizing this about myself changes nothing...though it should help me be more accepting of myself. The problem is as I said before, I don't think I can define myself as asexual. Not that it would be any easier to deal with if I could but like everything else in my life I feel a huge contradiction. I think I have experienced sexual attraction but I never acted on it so it was never fulfilled. This is graphic so be warned: during my first kiss (at 23 mind you) he was pressed up against my leg and I could feel him harden. I liked it. Did I imagine anything beyond that kiss? No. Did I reach down and touch it? No. It was actually only in retrospect that I realized I liked it. I'm not sure I was totally conscious of it when it happened. I've never actually told anyone about that. But I think this is why I'm not asexual; I enjoyed something (remotely as it were) sexual with another person. If we had been alone I think I would have gone further and probably enjoyed it despite being nervous. Everything I've read said asexuals can want and enjoy romance and intimacy with someone else but they do not enjoy anything sexual. That does not include masturbation or even being aroused by images or fantasy while alone...that's why it's so hard to determine for myself I think. It would be easier if asexuality could be defined as not enjoying being sexually pleasured in any way.
In thinking about Fusion, I wasn't really sexually attracted to him. I thought he was cute and interesting and tried to imagine having sex with him (which I think I even said in my post about him) but if I'm honest he didn't arouse me in any way. Here is where I get mad at myself. If I don't have a normal sexual attraction rate, why am I shutting down a guy who I like and think is cute just because I'm not sexually attracted to him? (Though he was also not sexually attracted to me so that's probably a factor I should take into account.) And therein lies my problem. I want to be sexually attracted. I want to be turned on both physically and mentally. For most people maybe this isn't asking too much. For me though maybe it is because my own damn body is working against me.
I am conflicted but it doesn't even matter. I just have to wait for the right person to enter my life and turn me on. Leaving this to chance is driving the control-freak in me insane. Frustration is my middle name.
7 comments:
Have you thought your lack of sex drive (for better words) is maybe hormonal? Might be worth it to explore that avenue since waiting for the right stimuli seems to be making you even more frustrated.
As for sexual attraction, you can't force it. If you're not sexually attracted to someone, you probably never will be. Although I like your post title, it's not as simple as flicking on a switch. In the mean time, try revisiting what you know *does* turn you on. Instead of trying to imagine what it'd be like in bed with a guy, imagine what it'd be like being held by him, if he ran his hands through your hair or down your shoulders. Start with the basics and build from there.
This post really made me think, I don't think I'm asexual either, but I think I have a diminished amount of attraction too-I don't often have crushes or feel attracted.....but it does happen very rarely so I know it can. But I've never experienced sexual pleasure with someone else........so even though I like sex with my self I could still be asexual I guess......when I feel atraction I get all fluttery but I have no idea how I'd feel if they actually touched me-I just wish I could find out once and for all!
Vanessa
anon- I'm not quite sure I understand your question. Maybe I should take hormones to induce sexual attraction? I definitely think it's hormone related and that I just have a low amount of it. I don't think taking hormones will/can change that as it has been the same both before and after taking birth control and anti-depressants over many years. The title was a little sarcastic, maybe even bitter on my part. I'm quite aware it's not a switch otherwise I would have figured out how to turn it on a long time ago :)
vanessa - at least you feel fluttery! that's a great thing! I think I've only felt that once or twice. It would be nice to see how it plays out right? :)
QV - What I mean is, your post sounds like you have an uneven sex drive and it could just be due to a hormonal imbalance, and maybe there is some alternative out there that could help even it out, not so much 'induce' anything.
Don't worry, I understand the title was a bit tongue in cheek. ;-p
I recently found out that I have slightly low hormone levels as well, but they aren't that low, and I wouldn't solely blame it on why I have failed to have a romantic or sexual relationship. It's probably what has stopped me from being more motivated to seek a physical connection with a man though.
Whatever hormonal urges I do feel are kept in check which has only gotten easier over time since I've pretty much given up on the idea of ever being in a relationship or having sex. I've taken a couple of these quizzes as well, and they always result in the classification of demisexual.
demisexual...i just looked it up and some of it feels like it applies to me too though another term gray-a seems to fit as well. i think i need to do more research.
I fit under the Gray-A category as well, but it really boils down to not being moved to act on primary attraction. I can acknowledge that someone is aesthetically attractive and has a personality type I admire, but won't ever develop feelings past that because I don't know them. Then there is the problem of no one (appropriate) being attracted to me. This would make a very sad looking Venn diagram, lol.
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