'Til I Go

It's either me or this city and I'll never know unless I go.

This is from an email (grammatically and obscenely ridiculous as it is) I wrote a close friend few weeks ago:

"...I've gone from vile mood to vile mood since my birthday. How about a throwback to our days of endless emotional emails? It's been quite a long time since I've written one and im sure you're just dying to know what sort of depressive state im currently in...so here goes.

Im f'ing depressed. Again. Crying uncontrollably at the drop of a hat. Everything rips my heart up. Im so sick of feeling emotionally shitty all the time. Even when im not feeling sad the underlying loneliness is always there. God i hate admitting that. But it's true. The loner is finally admitting not being able to handle her loneliness...

K says i should go back on antidepressants but i do not want to contact the Dr. I know why im depressed. I know im responsible for changing it. Again K says im too hard on myself. That i should learn to accept that im an inherently oversensitive person and stop being angry with myself about it. But how? How do i stop being angry with myself for being irrational and for getting hurt over the dumbest shit? or feeling the littlest things so deeply when i know perfectly well how ridiculous it is?

I started this a few days ago and since have been pretty busy- no time to think or wallow, but something else is also sort of making me feel a little better.

i think i've come to finally admit that it's just time to leave the city...Despite occasionally meeting people who are nice, the years have deeply embedded the notion that everyone here is an asshole. Including me! I've become the person I dislike because I'm around so many assholes who can't respect personal space, not spit on the ground in front of me, hold a door if i am directly behind them, blow smoke from the cigarette directly into my face... i've just stopped being nice altogether. I never thought I'd be bothered by these things but i guess it all adds up after after a while. I just don't think i'm going to meet a guy here anymore. I think i literally have to move somewhere where the people are nicer. 

Does such a place exist? Or...if i move and i'm still angry and depressed all the time i'll really have to admit it's just me. But it's worth a shot maybe? Getting work is really what will hold me back. Well that and facing having to meet people, be social and form a new circle of friends, none of whom i'll ever be as close with as i am with you or K...do i want that? i don't know. all i know is that staying here doesn't seem to be working. I've always had a love/hate with the city, but i'm beginning to realize it's really a love of the city/hate of the people. The culture, arts, music, even all the lights and buildings and sights- i love it. i could wander thru the city every day, if it weren't for the people who make me want to stick a fork in my eye. 

This is so hard to admit because i always had this idea that new york is where i fit, people wise. it was like this mecca to me of people who didn't fit anywhere else so this is where they all came to finally be happy. it sounds so simplistic and juvenile now. i mean i knew it wouldn't be as easy as that, but i thought at least i'd find something. i suppose in a way i have, i wouldn't trade the friends i have now for anything, but i guess like everything you dream about when you're young it's not how i thought it would be. thinking back, i've always felt a little like i didn't belong or was left out of things growing up despite having friends and never being considered unpopular...

i started thinking about people in relationships who expect their partner to be everything for them. I think i might be doing that just in reverse. because i don't have a person, i expect (not consciously) my friends to fill in and it's just not possible. you have to have both otherwise it just leads to pain..."

SO like I said, it's either me or this city and I'll never know unless I go. I had a few more uncontrollable crying sessions thinking about where to go. Unfortunately though my job is perfectly workable from home anywhere, I don't believe companies would hire me unless I was nearby. And for what I do NYC and LA are the only places that need me. LA was an exciting thought- the west coast would be so nice and sunny and a total change of life pace- but ultimately it's just too far. I know I couldn't handle moving my whole life out there by myself. If anything has happened these past few years it's that I've learned my emotional limits. Well...started to anyway. Then I discovered a small pocket in the DC area so that's where I'm currently contemplating making this big life change. I've applied for a job but haven't heard yet.

In the meantime I accepted a freelance job that requires me to go in to the city every day again. On the one hand it's really good because I'm too busy to self-reflect and drive myself crazy with thoughts about my life and what I'm doing or currently not doing with it. On the other hand I'm back to wanting to shoot everyone on the street because they can't take a moment to realize there are OTHER PEOPLE IN EXISTENCE AROUND THEM. Sorry. It's just so aggravating.

So hopefully next time I write it will be with good news. This cycle of depression has got to stop.