Last night was tough. There is a deep sense of loneliness I am still unwilling to totally admit I feel and I'm not sure why. Well that's not true. I guess it goes back to my independence issues and having to admit that I actually need another human being to be part of my life. As always on the surface everything is great. I am loving my new freelance lifestyle, I am especially loving not having to commute amongst thousands of inconsiderate people who make me angry, and I'm still being social...at least as social as I've ever been. I've even joined a few groups on meetup .com. I'm happy.
But then suddenly out of nowhere I cried last night. Couldn't sleep, couldn't shut off my brain. I haven't done that since therapy. Possibly hormones, possibly the frustration I still have with myself just surfacing again. I don't know. I just wish it would leave me alone. I haven't posted in awhile because it actually has been leaving me alone- I guess I should be grateful for that. So I guess what I mean is leave me alone forever. I just received an email from someone who called me 'clearly nuts'. If he only knew the stuff I don't post that goes on in my head. Maybe I am crazy. But crazy people find other people all the time. Where's my other crazy half?
My mother once said that she wanted me to find someone and get married because then she'd know I was happy and it would make her happy. Sometimes her view of the world can be simplistic. I know her heart is in the right place but it ended up feeling like pressure. Like her happiness depends on me getting married. It's irrational and by some people's account crazy I know, but I can't stop the knee jerk reaction. It's a product of the emotional environment I grew up in.
So the other day I said to her, "what if I don't ever find someone?" just to get a reaction and admittedly to hear someone say to me yet again, "don't be ridiculous you'll find someone. He's out there." Apparently I am in need of some positive reinforcement. Her reply was completely unexpected. "Well, sometimes people don't. Look at your aunt and your cousin." My aunt, rest her soul, never married and my cousin who is older than me is still single. I wonder, in retrospect, if this shows a little growth on her part but at the time it just made me want to run out into the middle of traffic.
Why couldn't she have f'ed me up in some other way? I would gladly take her fear of water, her struggling self-confidence or even her fear of travel over whatever the hell my problem with relationships is. It's so fundamental...so baseline...so essential to being human and I feel like I'm just totally missing that building block in my foundation. I've just been rolling around with a little piece missing but didn't know it until someone cut me and it started to bleed. Six years of blog posts later, Shel Silverstein would be disappointed in me.
