It's kind of funny how fleeting the feeling or mortality is. Every once in a while my body freezes up with the realization that an absurdly large amount of time has passed since I last thought about it, and yet it feels like only days. Which also means death has gotten that much closer without my knowing it...or changing the things I'd like to about my life. Then it passes and I'm lost in the oblivion of my daily routine again.
Unless I've taken a nose dive while frozen and ended up in a dark hole for months. But that hasn't happened in a while...
However I'm beginning to see how the definition of insanity attributed to Einstein, Rita Mae Brown and a Chinese proverb is suddenly applying to my life:
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
I get up, I go to work, I occasionally hang out with friends, I come home, I go to bed. And yet I expect to meet someone who will change my life. Granted I don't get up and think today's the day I might meet someone! I still think it will eventually happen. Maybe that only makes me half insane.
But you cannot discount the fact that there are people who end up meeting people who change their lives in the course of their daily routines. It happens. I still can't help wishing, after all these years and against all knowing better, it would happen to me. And like, today.
I signed up for an art class in an attempt to do something fun and try to meet new people. It starts in April. I used to make new friends so easily...I know it's the only way I'll ever meet anyone. I've just fallen into such a comfort zone with the friends I have. New ones take so much energy. And by energy I mean going out and making small talk and getting to know people in the most painfully slow manner. When did I become such a recluse? Oh right. I spose I've always been one to some extent it was just easier when I was trapped in certain learning institutions with others in the same situation as me.
Maybe I can blame alcohol. Maybe it would easier if I could just drink like the rest of the people in this culture. It's a cop out but hell, it's legitimate. It's an enormous pie piece in the chart of how people socialize in this city. I feel like I've been left off of invites because of it and I refuse to believe it's because of me. I don't make people feel bad about drinking or guilty because they are and I'm not. Whenever I am out at a bar I just quietly decline a drink for myself like it's no big deal. But in the end apparently it's enough to not want me around. Or at the very least forget that I'd like to be invited just to hang out. It sucks. But I'm getting whiney so I better stop.
So as you can see things haven't really changed, and I haven't written lately because of it. I'm hoping this art class at least gets me going in terms of leaving the apartment when I don't have to and maybe finding out about other things I can do around my neighborhood.
I have four weddings to attend this year. Have I mentioned that? The good news is only one of the brides is younger than me. I am taking part in two of them which is awesome because though I consider them both good friends, I did not expect them to ask me to participate. AND I found this sexy little dress to wear to hopefully more than one, if not only one of them.
So yay for good things! Fingers crossed I will stay on the high road and these weddings won't chill my mortality bones.
5 comments:
I know how you feel. I always wonder where couples met each other, its always somewhere simple like at a party, in a class or a bookstore. Stuff like that never happens to me, I attract weirdos like no other. I have been forcing myself to go out more though, no luck yet.
It's also typical for couples to have met at somebody else's wedding. And you have a sexy little dress and four of them to attend :)
I've been reading your blog a little this last days, I can relate to a lot of things.
I don't usually drink alcohol either, and friends try to convince me all the time, they tell me they feel like alcoholics if I just drink a soda. But similar things happen when they want something sweet to eat and I don't feel like it, or they overspend and I buy nothing. So I think it is really their problem if they feel bad about their choices, but they don't see it this way so it ends up being my problem, trying not to offend people by doing what I should.
Sorry for the long comment.
4 weddings? Well maybe the day won't be today, but on someone else's day. I know three couples who met at a wedding.
Good for you on joining the art class. I've wanted to do it for a while to refine my skills but I always lack the motivation.
it's good to see that you haven't given up and you're trying to do things to get yourself out there. Keep it up! You should even try doing little things such as going to a starbucks to read a book instead of reading at home. Also let me ask you this...are you doing everything you can to make yourself attractive to men as much as reasonably possible...not just physical appearance but body language and attitude as well?
I know you got burned with that jerk last year but it's that kind of bold risk taking that will make you succeed. Your resolve tells me that you are strong and you truly belive in yourself deep down to handle such a dissapointment, that's why I know one day you will succeed in finding that special someone. Don't ever give up no matter how many disapointments come your way.
I'm rooting for you!
hey, I'm with G/W... Who knows, maybe you'll find your significant one in somebody else's wedding! ;)
And, if you don't, don't freak out. It'll happen and, even though I HATE it when people say this, it'll happen when you least expect it ;)
Post a Comment