Still haven't seen Red. Either he's avoiding me or he was making an effort to try to see me before. Either way it doesn't really matter because I haven't changed any of my normal routine in effort to avoid him. I'm back to enjoying being by myself (for the time being anyway). And due to that I don't have anything in particular to whine about. Heh. Give me a few days, I'm sure something will come up. So I'll do some movie reviews, those are always fun. Especially when the movie is a piece of [redacting redacted].
He's Just Not That Into (Boring Stereotypical Drivel)
I have absolutely no excuse for watching He's Just Not That Into You. And just to be clear, my bitterness about the absurdity of this movie was alive and well before I was stood up, so that has nothing to do with it. :) My friend and I figured it was going to be bad, so I guess maybe we watched to see just how bad it would be. We were both disgusted pretty early on, but too lazy to turn it off so we muscled through. I kind of wish we hadn't.
It's no wonder guys have this image of women as being desperate, pathetic emotional wrecks that become parasites when a little attention is paid them. All the main female characters in movies like this are written that way! The only one who was halfway normal was Jennifer Aniston's character, and she only got what she wanted because she was willing to give it up. What? I suppose you could turn it around and say well in the end he actually gave up what he wanted, but at least in terms of this movie he didn't seem to mind it and only decided to do it after losing her. But anyway, the point of it for me is this: This movie was crap. I don't have any female friends even remotely like the main female character. I never have. Even the girls who could never be alone and were always chasing boyfriends never acted like she does. Maybe the group of girls and women I've known is an anomaly but it was pretty aggravating to watch her. Then again, maybe there are women out there like that, and it's really just that I know I would never act that way that I was so irritated by her actions. She was completely devoid of self-respect and only gained it through, of course, a guy. Who she only starting liking (as more than a friend) after realizing he liked her. LAME. The only good thing was that all the women were self-sufficient in every other way. I realize this movie was supposed to be cute and fun and more about the drama that occurs between men and women in all stages of relationships, but it just could have been so much better. Selling this perpetuating stereotype of desperate women on the basis of "it was inspired by a line from sex and the city" makes me hate it even more.
And not for nothing, it didn't really portray any of the men in a great light either. One was a cheater, one was just kind of a dick and the other two were just eh. All in all? Out of 5 stars this gets 1/2 of one. And only because Justin Long is cute.
Strictly (Hardly Anything) Sexual
Ok, I fully disclose my reason for watching Strictly Sexual: I thought there was going to be some soft porn. I'd never heard of it and by the title and description: "Two successful women, sick and tired of dating and relationships, decide to keep two young men in their pool house for strictly sexual purposes" I thought I was in for a little look-see.
I was wrong.
[Just like the time I bought a movie called Mezmerized at the grocery store for $1.00. The description was: An orphaned New Zealand girl marries an older, wealthy businessman and learns to deal with his strange sexual desires.
Turns out he was a peeping tom.
SERIOUSLY? That was a definite waste of 94 minutes. It was insane of me to expect more for a period drama set in the Victorian era and made in the 80s that I paid $1 for but still. There is a dark, twisted underworld to those Victorians. I'm sure of it. But I digress.]
This movie was just ok. Aside from the fact that only one of the women was successful, the other one was just born rich, it ended up being just another relationship drama but with a different kind of start. (Though the way it ends isn't that bad...) The girls thought they were picking up male prostitutes, the guys thought two hot girls were hitting on them. Hilarity ensues. Except it didn't. The only thing that really stuck out was the one chick was bad in bed and knew it, and ended up having the guy try to teach her how to enjoy it. One of their sex scenes, which was shot from the neck up, was so awkward it started to make me anxious (because of course I put myself in her position). But I'm pretty sure I'm going to do more than just lie there, so I guess there's that. I've never been in a passionate relationship (obviously) but I think the other couple's portrayal of chemistry that just doesn't work was pretty good.
Out of 5 stars this gets 2. Really 5-3 because the title and description are total misleads.
Can someone please write a movie about a somewhat normal 30something female virgin who is looking but not desperate? Or is that too anti-stereotypical to bring in the bucks? Hello? Indie world?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
That's A Wrap
It would seem I was wrong. Utterly, completely, 100% wrong.
At least now I have a hilarious party story. Should I keep you in suspense or just spill it? I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with shmood shmee shmup.
Let's take a look at the replay shall we? I apologize in advance for the profanity. It happens when I'm angry. I'm referring to myself in the third person (this time) because I'm hoping it will allow me to grow some perspective of which I may still currently be short.
-QV meets Red.
-Red casually and generally invites QV over any time.
-QV and Red walk to work a few times.
-QV subtly asks Red out, turns into him coming over to QV's apartment to hang out.
-A few days later Red texts QV one night asking her to come hang in his apartment. She does. Before she leaves she asks when he's free for dinner. They set a date.
-On said day, she doesn't hear from him so she shoots him a text in the late afternoon saying, "are we still on?" He waits until 1 hour before they are to meet to tell her that he's stuck at work, can he take a rain check? She playfully says "keep me in suspense why don't you?" and that it's no problem, but they'll have to go next week because she's going out of town. He laughs, apologizes, says he'd rather be having dinner with her than working and that next week it is if she must go out of town.
-The night QV gets back from a 5 hour train ride after spending three full days with her friend and her friend's ten month old, she gets a text about an hour after being home that he stopped by but she must be sleeping. If she is actually up he'd love to hang out. She texts back that she didn't hear him knock! But that she is actually really beat after the train ride and baby time, but when can he do dinner? He texts that it's only 9:30 and she is lame but how about Wednesday? Before she can respond he knocks on her door. Despite being exhausted, dirty and looking every bit of both, she answers. He wanted to see how hard he had to knock for her to hear it. She says ok, but is still tired and hasn't even showered! He says he hasn't either. She says Wednesday is great, let's get together then. He says ok, he understands.
-Wednesday comes. He never shows up.
Aaaand scene.
WHAT? What just happened?? Did he really just STAND ME UP? WTF? Who stands someone up anymore? With all the many modern, impersonal ways to blow people off, at least have the courtesy to let me know you've changed your mind so I don't wait around for hours wondering if you're ok. If he decided he didn't want to actually start dating me, I would have been ok with him telling me that to my face. I would have even remained friends if he wanted to, hanging out every once in a while. The time we spent together should have told him that much. It was so casual! I know I didn't come on strong or desperate. It was days, sometimes almost a week between times we'd text or hang out (which in retrospect was fine with me). If anything maybe I came across as not as interested as I actually was? Or maybe I'm getting my just desserts? Karmically speaking somehow? The thing is I've never stood anyone up. I've never even gotten involved with anyone so how does that work? I'm thinking maybe I pissed him off by not wanting to hang out that night and he decided then that he was done with me. Or maybe he never wanted to go on a date which is why he got 'stuck' at work the first time? Way to send some mixed messages jerk. (Of course, I still haven't heard from or seen him so if something did happen to him I will feel like a gigantic asshole.)
That night (um 3 ago to be precise- thus the still growing perspective) I had a little emotional meltdown. The ironic thing is, I was feeling myself go down before this even happened, starting a few weeks ago actually with a visit from an old friend I had in common with Jean...But I digress. I had an insanely stressful beginning of the week and this just rounded it off. I was so angry, and here comes yet another irony, at myself. I mean yeah I was pissed at him for being a dick, but like usual I turned it inward because apparently all I ever think about is myself. I was already thinking well shit, my first possibility in 10 years and this is how it begins/ends? On the same night? I HATE THIS. I actually got all ready to go and sat and waited. I never thought I would be one of those girls. I thought I'd have enough awareness to be able to tell if a guy liked me enough to NOT STAND ME UP. THIS is why I don't date. Good GOD I'd be so embarrassed if I wasn't so mad. How often do I do this? Never. Can't the universe give me a fucking break? I started thinking everything I've been telling myself these past few months is crap and that I've just been talking myself into it because I want so badly to change. I thought fuck him, fuck this, I'm done. The door I thought I was opening slammed shut again.
The next day I ended up talking to a good friend (via IM) who told me to stop punching myself in the face. Didn't I see how messed up it was that he stood me up and I was mad at myself? I couldn't get her to see that it wasn't about being stood up (most likely because I wasn't making sense). It was about me retreating to square one after thinking my hard work in trying to change was getting somewhere. It still is about me wondering if maybe I really am wired to be alone. Because if I'm honest, I worried on some nights that Red would text me to hang out and I wouldn't have a good excuse to get out of it. I thought a lot about having someone to do things with and it made me happy, but then I also thought about how unhappy I'd be on the days/nights I just wanted to be alone to work on projects or write. How that would end up pissing him off, confusing him or hurting him. I know it's selfish but I didn't like worrying about what he was thinking. It's too hard to have someone else in my head. I don't know how people do it. I have enough trouble with my own thoughts and feelings...and I wonder if all of this is STILL an ongoing effect of my friendship with Jean. I was so consumed with how she was feeling and how I could make her happy that there was no me. I had no thoughts or feelings of my own. I can't go through that again. It destroyed me. It took years to rebuild myself. And I wasn't even in love with her! I wonder if I ever do get into a relationship whether I'll be able to distinguish what's too much and what's not enough. I suppose if I love him, caring about his thoughts and feelings will be balanced because I obviously have enough self-love to last me a lifetime. That is definitely not to say there is no self-loathing because I've pretty much cried for two nights over my solitude and what of myself I've created to keep me that way. But I suppose it's all about perspective. I shouldn't have IMed with my friend the day after because I had none. The mixture of disbelief, anger, sadness, resignation, pain and relief was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do with it.
Granted it's only 3 days later but this evening something occurred to me: Though it has actually been 10 years (no exaggeration) since the last time I've truly been interested in a guy, my previously thought decimated hope that I'd ever meet another one turns out to just be deflated. Under the rubble it's still there. Perhaps this really was just a catalyst in getting me to open up. This is in direct contradiction to my wonder about being built to be alone, which admittedly I still think. I have no explanation for this. I suppose hope never dies despite believing something contrary. I'm still hoping I'll meet a guy who I really want to be with, from the start, and having someone else in my head won't be so hard. Or at least, it'll be preferable to being alone. What freaks me out is how hard I know it's going to be, both to meet him and let him in, mostly because I'm really good at getting in my own way.
So yesterday I was at square one but I think I've climbed back up a peg today...hopefully. Maybe the door hasn't slammed shut. I dunno. I'm still swimming in emotion, trying to make sure I go in a good direction. The depression is still a threat, especially after my mother (who doesn't know about any of this) said she needed to make sure I had somebody before she dies (which isn't any time soon but still), but I think if I ride it out it will ebb as always and I'll be back to my old happy confused self, as opposed to my basket case confused self. I don't know why I continually torture myself with this internal war about being alone and being with someone. Sometimes I think I wouldn't know who I am without it.
At least now I have a hilarious party story. Should I keep you in suspense or just spill it? I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with shmood shmee shmup.
Let's take a look at the replay shall we? I apologize in advance for the profanity. It happens when I'm angry. I'm referring to myself in the third person (this time) because I'm hoping it will allow me to grow some perspective of which I may still currently be short.
-QV meets Red.
-Red casually and generally invites QV over any time.
-QV and Red walk to work a few times.
-QV subtly asks Red out, turns into him coming over to QV's apartment to hang out.
-A few days later Red texts QV one night asking her to come hang in his apartment. She does. Before she leaves she asks when he's free for dinner. They set a date.
-On said day, she doesn't hear from him so she shoots him a text in the late afternoon saying, "are we still on?" He waits until 1 hour before they are to meet to tell her that he's stuck at work, can he take a rain check? She playfully says "keep me in suspense why don't you?" and that it's no problem, but they'll have to go next week because she's going out of town. He laughs, apologizes, says he'd rather be having dinner with her than working and that next week it is if she must go out of town.
-The night QV gets back from a 5 hour train ride after spending three full days with her friend and her friend's ten month old, she gets a text about an hour after being home that he stopped by but she must be sleeping. If she is actually up he'd love to hang out. She texts back that she didn't hear him knock! But that she is actually really beat after the train ride and baby time, but when can he do dinner? He texts that it's only 9:30 and she is lame but how about Wednesday? Before she can respond he knocks on her door. Despite being exhausted, dirty and looking every bit of both, she answers. He wanted to see how hard he had to knock for her to hear it. She says ok, but is still tired and hasn't even showered! He says he hasn't either. She says Wednesday is great, let's get together then. He says ok, he understands.
-Wednesday comes. He never shows up.
Aaaand scene.
WHAT? What just happened?? Did he really just STAND ME UP? WTF? Who stands someone up anymore? With all the many modern, impersonal ways to blow people off, at least have the courtesy to let me know you've changed your mind so I don't wait around for hours wondering if you're ok. If he decided he didn't want to actually start dating me, I would have been ok with him telling me that to my face. I would have even remained friends if he wanted to, hanging out every once in a while. The time we spent together should have told him that much. It was so casual! I know I didn't come on strong or desperate. It was days, sometimes almost a week between times we'd text or hang out (which in retrospect was fine with me). If anything maybe I came across as not as interested as I actually was? Or maybe I'm getting my just desserts? Karmically speaking somehow? The thing is I've never stood anyone up. I've never even gotten involved with anyone so how does that work? I'm thinking maybe I pissed him off by not wanting to hang out that night and he decided then that he was done with me. Or maybe he never wanted to go on a date which is why he got 'stuck' at work the first time? Way to send some mixed messages jerk. (Of course, I still haven't heard from or seen him so if something did happen to him I will feel like a gigantic asshole.)
That night (um 3 ago to be precise- thus the still growing perspective) I had a little emotional meltdown. The ironic thing is, I was feeling myself go down before this even happened, starting a few weeks ago actually with a visit from an old friend I had in common with Jean...But I digress. I had an insanely stressful beginning of the week and this just rounded it off. I was so angry, and here comes yet another irony, at myself. I mean yeah I was pissed at him for being a dick, but like usual I turned it inward because apparently all I ever think about is myself. I was already thinking well shit, my first possibility in 10 years and this is how it begins/ends? On the same night? I HATE THIS. I actually got all ready to go and sat and waited. I never thought I would be one of those girls. I thought I'd have enough awareness to be able to tell if a guy liked me enough to NOT STAND ME UP. THIS is why I don't date. Good GOD I'd be so embarrassed if I wasn't so mad. How often do I do this? Never. Can't the universe give me a fucking break? I started thinking everything I've been telling myself these past few months is crap and that I've just been talking myself into it because I want so badly to change. I thought fuck him, fuck this, I'm done. The door I thought I was opening slammed shut again.
The next day I ended up talking to a good friend (via IM) who told me to stop punching myself in the face. Didn't I see how messed up it was that he stood me up and I was mad at myself? I couldn't get her to see that it wasn't about being stood up (most likely because I wasn't making sense). It was about me retreating to square one after thinking my hard work in trying to change was getting somewhere. It still is about me wondering if maybe I really am wired to be alone. Because if I'm honest, I worried on some nights that Red would text me to hang out and I wouldn't have a good excuse to get out of it. I thought a lot about having someone to do things with and it made me happy, but then I also thought about how unhappy I'd be on the days/nights I just wanted to be alone to work on projects or write. How that would end up pissing him off, confusing him or hurting him. I know it's selfish but I didn't like worrying about what he was thinking. It's too hard to have someone else in my head. I don't know how people do it. I have enough trouble with my own thoughts and feelings...and I wonder if all of this is STILL an ongoing effect of my friendship with Jean. I was so consumed with how she was feeling and how I could make her happy that there was no me. I had no thoughts or feelings of my own. I can't go through that again. It destroyed me. It took years to rebuild myself. And I wasn't even in love with her! I wonder if I ever do get into a relationship whether I'll be able to distinguish what's too much and what's not enough. I suppose if I love him, caring about his thoughts and feelings will be balanced because I obviously have enough self-love to last me a lifetime. That is definitely not to say there is no self-loathing because I've pretty much cried for two nights over my solitude and what of myself I've created to keep me that way. But I suppose it's all about perspective. I shouldn't have IMed with my friend the day after because I had none. The mixture of disbelief, anger, sadness, resignation, pain and relief was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do with it.
Granted it's only 3 days later but this evening something occurred to me: Though it has actually been 10 years (no exaggeration) since the last time I've truly been interested in a guy, my previously thought decimated hope that I'd ever meet another one turns out to just be deflated. Under the rubble it's still there. Perhaps this really was just a catalyst in getting me to open up. This is in direct contradiction to my wonder about being built to be alone, which admittedly I still think. I have no explanation for this. I suppose hope never dies despite believing something contrary. I'm still hoping I'll meet a guy who I really want to be with, from the start, and having someone else in my head won't be so hard. Or at least, it'll be preferable to being alone. What freaks me out is how hard I know it's going to be, both to meet him and let him in, mostly because I'm really good at getting in my own way.
So yesterday I was at square one but I think I've climbed back up a peg today...hopefully. Maybe the door hasn't slammed shut. I dunno. I'm still swimming in emotion, trying to make sure I go in a good direction. The depression is still a threat, especially after my mother (who doesn't know about any of this) said she needed to make sure I had somebody before she dies (which isn't any time soon but still), but I think if I ride it out it will ebb as always and I'll be back to my old happy confused self, as opposed to my basket case confused self. I don't know why I continually torture myself with this internal war about being alone and being with someone. Sometimes I think I wouldn't know who I am without it.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Love and Evolution
Merriam-Webster consistently uses the word affection in its #1 definition of love. Affection is defined as a moderate feeling or tender attachment. What a way to bring the house down, huh?
I love you.
I have a moderate feeling for you too!
In my case I kind of expect love to be a combination of a great appreciation (and dare I say affection) for a person and an even greater desire to be with him (in more ways than one...don't be a perv!), among many other things I'm sure I have no idea even exist. But wanting to be with someone is not something I've ever really felt, and I don't mean sexually. I'm talking simply being in the same place at the same time as someone else for an extended period of time. Sure I have found people interesting enough to spend time with and I certainly find my friends interesting enough to hang out with, but when it comes down to it going home by myself at the end of every day is what I wanted. (That is not to say I didn't wish every day to meet a guy and fall in love at first sight, wiping away the whole internal war between the expectation to be with someone and wanting to be alone, because I did. Who doesn't want the idealized version of love?) That is something that I have only been able to fully admit recently because it is such a contradiction to a) society's (which includes friends and family) expectations and b) the influence of society's expectation on my own thought process. I truly believe that if everyone had left me alone I would not have experienced such a tortured transition when becoming an adult. And let's face it, lived a tortured existence while a teenager and a late 20 something too. Because jeez, who ever heard of a girl who actually wanted to be alone? (I found an old poetry journal of mine the other day...talk about dark and melodramatic! So filled with angst and anger, it's no wonder I was such a basket case!)
I think I've only recently been able to fully recognize it (I've always known it deep down, but questioned it too much to accept it) because as all things do, I'm evolving. Ok, that might be pushing it. I can really only hope that I'm evolving, but maybe I'm just aging. :) The need to be alone isn't as powerful as it was, though it is still obviously an important part of who I am. Had I met Red a year ago I would have already retreated to my corner, if I had responded to him at all. Now I think about spending time with him, putting aside those cherished nights to myself, and I don't hate the idea. I still struggle with it, but if he actually likes me in the long run I suppose he'll learn to respect/accept my needs in that way too. The fact that I'm thinking about him as a potential part of my life is pretty big. It's new territory for ms leave me alone. But this change I think has been coming for a while. Maybe I just needed time to prove to myself that I've made it as I am and can now open up to share it with someone else.
Red and I have hung out a couple times since my last post, always in our apartments. It kind of sounds bad, but it's not. It's been comfortable and every time we talk or hang out it's been fun and mutually initiated. I'm actually not worried about the casualness of it because if I'm reading him right I think he likes me, but if I'm wrong and he doesn't I'm ok with that. At least at this stage. We were actually supposed to have a kind of first date tonight, dinner on the town, but he ended up getting stuck at work. I managed to not get myself worked up about it during the day but I didn't hear from him at all so I started to think he was blowing me off. I chided him about it in a playful way when he finally contacted me. We are rescheduling for next week since I'm going out of town. I've been flirting...well, what I possess as a sorry excuse for the ability to flirt and it's been good. I suppose we're moving at a snail's pace but that's probably a good thing for me.
I haven't told anyone about him except my best friend kb. I debated on telling her because though I try my hardest not to let the opinions of others affect how I feel, I know that they can still sway me depending on who it is. Well that and I don't want anyone bothering me about it with questions about how things are going. Probably not a big deal for most people but because it's me, and everyone I know KNOWS I don't date, the questions would be endless.
Anyway, the HA'larious conversation went as follows:
qv: i have something to tell you but you have to promise promise promise not to bother me about it.
kb: ok, give me a minute. (she thinks) ok tell me.
qv: there's a boy i'm interested in.
kb: (pauses) ok, not what i thought it was going to be but ok this is good.
qv: what did you think i was going to say?
kb: one of two things...that you put a profile up online or...that...(trails off)
qv: that i'm a lesbian?
kb: yes!
I guess not even the ones closest to you can understand what goes on in your head. She knows me pretty well but I guess not well enough to know that if I was a lesbian I would have told her a long time ago. Course she probably thinks/thought I am/was repressing. But I digress. I laughed because I know pretty much everyone close to me thinks or has thought it and simply because I don't date and don't talk much about men in general. For all of our differences people still force each other into neatly understandable labels.
I told her about him and where I met him and her first reaction was to warn me. Really? Would I...ME...not be aware of the consequences of starting something with someone who lived in my building?? ME, who hasn't been attracted to or been comfortable around a guy since her junior year of college? ME, who imagines the end of every encounter before it even begins? I realize now her fear is more about the physical aspect (she's 4'11" and is always aware of her surroundings and potential threats) of having him so close, but still. I wanted a more enthusiastic response from her being that this entire situation is out of character for me. Or no, I shouldn't say out of character because I've never done it before so it's probably actually very much my character. I should say pushing limits, opening doors, exploring a new part of myself. But again, she thought I might be a lesbian so whatever. :)
But in tying this ramble back to my original thesis statement, to me love is like this tangible seeming intangible thing...something sparkly that glints in the sun from its place on the road but when you get to it to try to pick it up it has somehow moved further away...just quietly sparkling, waiting for you to come pick it up. I thought I'd feel it when I met the 'one'. Like the sparkle will be in his eyes and I'd just know it was for me. Perhaps one day I still will. I like Red and I want to get to know him better, but I wonder if love will ever enter the equation. I wonder if it will ever enter the equation for me with anyone. I suppose only time, that hard-hearted bitch, will tell.
I love you.
I have a moderate feeling for you too!
In my case I kind of expect love to be a combination of a great appreciation (and dare I say affection) for a person and an even greater desire to be with him (in more ways than one...don't be a perv!), among many other things I'm sure I have no idea even exist. But wanting to be with someone is not something I've ever really felt, and I don't mean sexually. I'm talking simply being in the same place at the same time as someone else for an extended period of time. Sure I have found people interesting enough to spend time with and I certainly find my friends interesting enough to hang out with, but when it comes down to it going home by myself at the end of every day is what I wanted. (That is not to say I didn't wish every day to meet a guy and fall in love at first sight, wiping away the whole internal war between the expectation to be with someone and wanting to be alone, because I did. Who doesn't want the idealized version of love?) That is something that I have only been able to fully admit recently because it is such a contradiction to a) society's (which includes friends and family) expectations and b) the influence of society's expectation on my own thought process. I truly believe that if everyone had left me alone I would not have experienced such a tortured transition when becoming an adult. And let's face it, lived a tortured existence while a teenager and a late 20 something too. Because jeez, who ever heard of a girl who actually wanted to be alone? (I found an old poetry journal of mine the other day...talk about dark and melodramatic! So filled with angst and anger, it's no wonder I was such a basket case!)
I think I've only recently been able to fully recognize it (I've always known it deep down, but questioned it too much to accept it) because as all things do, I'm evolving. Ok, that might be pushing it. I can really only hope that I'm evolving, but maybe I'm just aging. :) The need to be alone isn't as powerful as it was, though it is still obviously an important part of who I am. Had I met Red a year ago I would have already retreated to my corner, if I had responded to him at all. Now I think about spending time with him, putting aside those cherished nights to myself, and I don't hate the idea. I still struggle with it, but if he actually likes me in the long run I suppose he'll learn to respect/accept my needs in that way too. The fact that I'm thinking about him as a potential part of my life is pretty big. It's new territory for ms leave me alone. But this change I think has been coming for a while. Maybe I just needed time to prove to myself that I've made it as I am and can now open up to share it with someone else.
Red and I have hung out a couple times since my last post, always in our apartments. It kind of sounds bad, but it's not. It's been comfortable and every time we talk or hang out it's been fun and mutually initiated. I'm actually not worried about the casualness of it because if I'm reading him right I think he likes me, but if I'm wrong and he doesn't I'm ok with that. At least at this stage. We were actually supposed to have a kind of first date tonight, dinner on the town, but he ended up getting stuck at work. I managed to not get myself worked up about it during the day but I didn't hear from him at all so I started to think he was blowing me off. I chided him about it in a playful way when he finally contacted me. We are rescheduling for next week since I'm going out of town. I've been flirting...well, what I possess as a sorry excuse for the ability to flirt and it's been good. I suppose we're moving at a snail's pace but that's probably a good thing for me.
I haven't told anyone about him except my best friend kb. I debated on telling her because though I try my hardest not to let the opinions of others affect how I feel, I know that they can still sway me depending on who it is. Well that and I don't want anyone bothering me about it with questions about how things are going. Probably not a big deal for most people but because it's me, and everyone I know KNOWS I don't date, the questions would be endless.
Anyway, the HA'larious conversation went as follows:
qv: i have something to tell you but you have to promise promise promise not to bother me about it.
kb: ok, give me a minute. (she thinks) ok tell me.
qv: there's a boy i'm interested in.
kb: (pauses) ok, not what i thought it was going to be but ok this is good.
qv: what did you think i was going to say?
kb: one of two things...that you put a profile up online or...that...(trails off)
qv: that i'm a lesbian?
kb: yes!
I guess not even the ones closest to you can understand what goes on in your head. She knows me pretty well but I guess not well enough to know that if I was a lesbian I would have told her a long time ago. Course she probably thinks/thought I am/was repressing. But I digress. I laughed because I know pretty much everyone close to me thinks or has thought it and simply because I don't date and don't talk much about men in general. For all of our differences people still force each other into neatly understandable labels.
I told her about him and where I met him and her first reaction was to warn me. Really? Would I...ME...not be aware of the consequences of starting something with someone who lived in my building?? ME, who hasn't been attracted to or been comfortable around a guy since her junior year of college? ME, who imagines the end of every encounter before it even begins? I realize now her fear is more about the physical aspect (she's 4'11" and is always aware of her surroundings and potential threats) of having him so close, but still. I wanted a more enthusiastic response from her being that this entire situation is out of character for me. Or no, I shouldn't say out of character because I've never done it before so it's probably actually very much my character. I should say pushing limits, opening doors, exploring a new part of myself. But again, she thought I might be a lesbian so whatever. :)
But in tying this ramble back to my original thesis statement, to me love is like this tangible seeming intangible thing...something sparkly that glints in the sun from its place on the road but when you get to it to try to pick it up it has somehow moved further away...just quietly sparkling, waiting for you to come pick it up. I thought I'd feel it when I met the 'one'. Like the sparkle will be in his eyes and I'd just know it was for me. Perhaps one day I still will. I like Red and I want to get to know him better, but I wonder if love will ever enter the equation. I wonder if it will ever enter the equation for me with anyone. I suppose only time, that hard-hearted bitch, will tell.
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