Disclaimer: this post is full of sarcasm and detail about my experience of being poked and prodded at the doctor's. If you are not interested in details, skip this one! (For women who haven't been to the GYN yet, this article is a pretty good description of what to expect.)
---------
Dare I say I have survived my third annual, fourth ever visit to the gynecologist? During which I again got to reveal my virginity?
I dare.
And aren't you just dying for a replay of it?
I knew it.
I arrive at the doctor's office. Fast forward to me sitting in that weird open-in-the-front gown with a white starched sheet across my lap. I wait. And wait. And wait.
I am SO going to be late to my 10:30. Did they forget about me? What's taking so long? Oh I think I hear her coming. Nope, just that elderly lady talking about having her breast implants removed again. Uh can you imagine being sixty with implants? Let's read the female genitalia chart on the wall for the fiftieth time. Why does the hymen exist? It's such a stupid piece of...what is it even? There is no point to it. It functions only as yet another burden on female sexuality. Something to break to let everyone know she either is or isn't a virgin. Stupid hymen. Where the hell is she? Can she just come in here, feel me up and then stick something up my hoohaa so I can get out of here? I am so going to be late to my 10:30.
My doctor finally arrives, apologizing for the wait, and says "let's review your last visit" a few times in different ways.
"You were 30 on your last visit, so we did the HPV test."
"Yes."
"Do you have the same partner?"
Um what? Did she just ask me if I'm a lesbian? Oh! Oh! No, that's just the politically correct way to ask if I've been sleeping with the same person as I was last year. Ogod. That's even worse. "Um...I don't have a partner."
"Oh ok."
Fast forward through other miscellaneous menstrual talk.
"So I'll do another HPV test and if it's negative we won't have to do one next year."
"Well, I don't know if it matters..." I totally know it matters. "...but I'm not sexually active so I don't know if it's necessary." It's so not necessary.
"Oh yes of course, it's written on the chart that you haven't been active, I'm sorry I should have seen that." Yeah. It kind of sucks to have to tell you repeatedly that I'm still a virgin. But whatever. "So we don't have to do that test if you don't want. I won't do the gonorrhea test either if you'd rather not. How does that sound?"
"Good. Thank you."
"Ok so I'll do the pap smear, a breast exam as well as a pelvic exam."
Fantastic. Let's do this.
She takes what feels like twenty minutes mooshing my boobs around and all I can say about that is I really hate having my boobs mooshed around. I'm very small and that much pressure is uncomfortable (not painful mind you), bordering on nauseating. I'm pretty sure most women are uncomfortable in that position, but the nausea is just a me thing. (It's psychosomatic.) It's like squeezing a water balloon in search of a marble you are sure someone put in it before they filled it, but just can't find.
Then we move down. Because I've been waiting so long and have kind of worked myself up, I must be tense. It hurts more this time than any of the previous times (but does not leave the residual discomfort I felt for a few hours after last my visit but that's probably because she didn't do the other tests) but I think I said that last time so maybe it's not really that bad. She apologizes because she can tell. All I can think is I've got to start having sex. Then she does the pelvic exam which clinically put means she feels the inside walls of my reproductive organs.
In closing she tells me to read the instructions that come with the pill pack and that she knows the exam was very uncomfortable but I made it through. I REALLY need to start having sex. Then it's all over and she's gone.
Then I'm running across a few avenues and cross streets and I'm 7 minutes late to my 10:30, during which I'm shoved between two guys, smelling like latex. Fantastic. I wonder if they're wondering what that smell is.
---------
On one of my last posts about my trip to the GYN, someone commented about how crazy Americans are about having all these tests at times when they are unnecessary, then getting false results and in turn having our lives turned upside down by it. While this may be true, I only know what I've been exposed to, which is the American health system and for that matter mind set (so you have to bare that in mind when reading my take on the subject). I just received a mailing from my health insurance saying women should start getting pap smears at 21, STD tests at 24 and HPV at 30, younger for each if sexually active. (I think they make a lot of assumptions about when sexual activity begins, but I may be biased.) And then I read information somewhere else online that said you don't need a pap smear until 3 years after becoming sexually active. It all comes down to how informed you are about all these different things that doctors do and don't do as well as your comfort level with applying them to your body.
In retrospect I think I made the right decision, that is to say waiting until my late twenties to start seeing a GYN because I wasn't sexually active. That might not be the right decision for you, but even if/when you do go to the doctor, you can decide what tests to take. Just remember to educate yourself and that you're in control!
9 comments:
I've managed to surprise two different gynos because of my virginity. One thought I was gay and the other seemed nervous or something when she was testing me. They make it seem like everyone over 21 has had sex at least once because that's why people go to their offices. Besides sexual related issues, women should know of a gyno to call in case there is pain in that area, ovarian cysts, infections, etc. It sucks, but sometimes one has to go. Sorry to hear about smelling of Latex. Blah.
I can't thank you enough for this blog. I only found you a few months past and wish I had sooner. I can honestly say that your thoughts/feelings and that of others who have commented are mine as well and feel total relief to know that I am not alone. Because it is lonely (actually, most of the time I feel ridiculous) at this age in my life to have not shared something so natural, a human closeness that sooooo many people have experienced.
'I REALLY need to start having sex.'
Yep, I hear that.
Anyhow, I haven't gone to see a GYN because when I asked for a referral from my GP, he said that could do the examination. But since I find him a bit creepy, I said that I would prefer a female doctor. He just looked at me blankly, asked me when was the last time I had sex, and when I replied that I hadn't had sex, that I was still a virgin, he says " Oh, that makes total sense", like it was now clear to him why I had requested a woman. I pretty much drove home in tears and haven't been back for a physical in almost 3 years, all because of my insecurity of being a 30 year old virgin.
a trip to the gynecologist... oh man that does not sound like fun. especially if they are poking and prodding not just at your lady parts but your private sex life or lack thereof.
My mother was try to get me to go to a OB GYN and I was not down at all. Honestly, I have no reason whatsoever to go. There just isn't a point.
And if I am going, I'm going to tell the gynecologist I'm a nun. I can't handle the look that my doctor gives me when I tell him I've never been sexually active anyway.
NHAB - this dr is dr #2 for me too. though neither of them made me feel any more awkward about it than i was making myself feel. that said, drs should have to pass some kind of bedside manner exam before they are awarded their degrees. not every patient is alike just like not all drs are alike!
i couldn't tell if i actually smelled like it or if it was just in my nose! ha!
anon - i hate to say it but your dr sounds like an asshole. i know it's really hard, but you have to do your best not to let people like that get to you. and if you want to go, which it seems like you do since you asked him for a referral, you still should. i don't know if you need his referral, as in if that's how your insurance works, but if you can find your own dr you totally should. preventative medicine is for virgins too damnit! to be honest, i only started going because i wanted to get on the pill to regulate my period, as well as in the hopes that one day i'll start having sex. no matter what your reason, you have a right to maintain your own health any way you please, and screw anyone's judgment about it! :)
jo- one day it'll all be worth it. ha! :)
G/W - well, there isn't NO point. if you want to start on the pill to regulate (as i did) or in the hopes of having sex one day, or if you just want to make sure all your lady parts are in working order, a trip to the doc's not such a bad thing. this said from the girl who didn't go regularly until she was 29, but i digress. it's very weird to have to tell someone you're a virgin and then have them immediately poke your genitalia, but we've all done stranger things, no? :) just gotta keep a sense of humor about it.
I'm on the pill right now but my GP just prescribed them for me. I've had a yeast infection but that's solved easy. Unless I start doing the dirty, I'm going to avoid the genitalia poking... until I find a guy lol
"So no one has touched you here before?"
"Does Dr. Chan count?"
could you just lied and said you weren't a virgin?
I have to say, I feel like I could have written this. In a way, it's nice to know that other girls go through the same thing. My PA acts like I'm crazy when I tell her the exam hurts horribly...and then the whole way home I think "I really need to start having sex so this doesn't hurt so much next year!" Then I laugh at myself, because I can only imagine how crazy she would think I was...probably could get some good drugs that way!
I loved this post from beginning to end. I know this might sound backhandedly cruel, but it's not when i say, you should write a book. I'd read it from cover to cover.
Post a Comment