The Pursuit of What?

I imagine it's natural to question happiness when you've been on the sad side so long. To question something good when nothing at all has been happening forever. The struggle between wanting to believe I control my own happiness and falling back on 'why me?' is one that goes on, but maybe it's not without reason. Maybe it's all just to get me to a certain point. After all, we only grow when we question, right?

I caught Red on the way out the door a few weeks ago. We chatted for a good ten minutes before we reached the train and went our separate ways. I decided on my ride uptown that I'd ask him if he'd been to the bar around the corner and if not would he like to grab a drink. Shockingly I couldn't bring myself to knock on his door so a few weeks passed.

Then one morning he caught me on the way out the door. His greeting made me smile: "It's a pleasure to see you this morning!" It takes so little! My first question? "Where did you come from?" I realized as soon as it left my lips it was a very idiotic way of asking what I had so thoroughly planned out in my head. He laughed and responded the only way he could have: "From another planet far, far away..." He's got a sense of humor. Check! The conversation was easy and his body language seemed on par with how I felt...happy, a little kid-like (he was hopping onto curbs). It was a good vibe. Maybe I was reading things the way I wanted to see them, but hell, I've never done that before so why not put myself in a good place?

So I kind of, sort of asked him out.

QV: Have you been to the factory?
Red: No.
QV: We should go for dinner. It's amazing. (I raved a little about the food.)
Red: It sounds like it!

But he didn't get it. Typical guy...from what I hear. We get to the train, I try again.

QV: Are you around this week? We should definitely do dinner.
Red: Yeah, what day is good for you?
QV: Any day but Wednesday, the Lost finale is on.

He stopped in his tracks. I thought he was going to make fun, which is totally acceptable, but when I looked up I saw a very serious expression. I realized he didn't have cable because we talked about it earlier so I immediately invited him over. We'll order in! I said just come up whenever you get home. He seemed excited, as was I, if only to have someone to watch with. :)

Wednesday arrived and he knocked on the door. He said he promised his friend that he'd go running with him but he didn't want me to think he'd forgotten. He'll be up in say, an hour? Sure, sure. I'll wait to order with you. You sure? You don't have to if you're hungry. No, it's ok. I'll have a snack. So he goes. So does my mind. But I soon realized that it was totally not a date and I shouldn't be thinking so hard about it. He's coming to hang out and watch TV, so we'll just get to know each other. It'll be fun, just freaking relax. And surprisingly...I did. He arrived an hour later and we talked and ordered Thai food. It was actually a lot of fun and totally stress free. And here's the best part...dinner came with only one fortune cookie (despite it being Thai food). We split it and I gave him the fortune to read. He was thoughtful.

QV: is it good?
Red: oh it's...good. (He smiled and handed it to me)

Now is the time to go ahead and pursue that love interest!

For real? I had to laugh. Knowing that it is human nature to look for signs and make recognizable patterns out of things we don't otherwise understand is not stopping me from finding a little hope in this group of words on this tiny slip of paper stuck inside a random fortune cookie. And it's weird. Though there haven't been many, with the very few guys that I have attempted to kind of get to know I've never really been hopeful before. Now I'm sure some of you are saying that hanging out and watching TV is total friend territory, and perhaps it is, but in my book it's pretty much the only way this is going to get started for me. It's another good sign.

But now I have all these new questions about why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. Which is to say hopeful, maybe a little excited...but not getting ahead of myself mind you. I'm not even expecting that we'll start really dating, but for once I don't feel so closed down. Just getting to know someone I think is cool will brighten my spirits, but getting to know someone who has romantic potential? This is new territory. I find myself asking if I'm making myself feel these things because I'm tired of being alone. (However, I've been tired for a while now and I've never been able to make myself feel any differently.) I find myself finally accepting that love at first sight is not the only way love happens. (I can imagine spending time with him and getting to like him more and more.) I find myself wondering if I'm finally changing or if this is the way it was supposed to go all along. Maybe things will work and if they don't maybe I'll actually be able to date or at least find interest in someone where I couldn't muster it before. Maybe I just finally met someone interesting I'd like to get to know. Perhaps it's simply the discovery that the potential actually exists at all for me...

And then I tell myself to shut up and take things one day at a time. Que Será Será.