Update: I'm not. We all have our moments, do we not? And anyway I have to keep things interesting. Constantly whining about being a virgin doesn't make for that great a read...or does it? Last week's observations were intensified by a mixture of hormones and the gigantic magnifying glass I hold over myself when I write these things. It's a joy being a woman. I'm not diminishing the legitimate weirdness of these strange paranoid dreams, but I have to take everything with a grain of salt. Especially things that come out of my own mouth...and mind. In retrospect I think I can officially attribute this paranoid dream nonsense to stress, and I can do this because the ol' acid reflux has returned as well. I live too much in my head and these physical/subconcious symptoms are just the real, though odd results.
I marvel at what life would be like if I could live by my heart instead of my head. I can only imagine it would be more painful, but also more joyful...broken-healed hearts are what make life worth living or so I've heard, and yet, still can't let myself get there. I want to believe it's not just me, that there are other contributing factors to my somewhat self-imposed singularity, such as location, profession, er...mentality of the demographic of which I seem to be a part, but I know it all starts at home.
Is it ridiculous that I still kind of believe that now that I've finally gotten my professional life in order my personal life will eventually follow? It feels naïve. But then again, most of the things I believe are based in a naïveté of some sort. And of course there's still the overwhelming fear that I should just accept is the brick wall 8 feet thick that prevents me from moving forward. It's just so hard to pinpoint a fear comprised of so many different elements that seem to be unfounded. Or perhaps it really is just simply the fear of sex. Why can't I just grown up? How did I become so gadam stunted?
2 comments:
you are not stunted and you are not alone. thinking too much just makes you run around in circles with no answers. getting out there and getting some experience (I dont mean sex) and just practicing helps you find out more about you as well as how others are and the variety of people out there...
wow- I recently found your blog and feel like I am you. I am also a 28 year old virgin living in NYC. I thought I was the only one! Isn't it weird wishing for a broken heart? Something people cry over, and I want it. I think I am going crazy sometimes, like life is just passing me by. I just don't know how to change.
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