My friends asked me again this weekend why I don't just marry D, the guy I had a huge crush on in high school, remain (long-distance) friends with today and actually tried one or two times to visit him to specifically see if the spark was there. He's the one I still consider sleeping with but know in my heart of hearts I won't because I don't want to hurt him.
They asked if I had ever slept in the same bed as him. I said yes. They were surprised. Seems I can still do that. Surprise them that is. Anyway, the first time I went to visit D, I went with the idea of a potential relationship in mind. Thus why I think I agreed to sleep in his bed. Being extremely respectful he stayed on his side until he got the nerve and threw his arm over my side. He asked if it was ok and I said yes. Mostly because I couldn't say no, but also because I liked it despite being completely freaked out and deciding that I didn't want to pursue anything. I pretty much froze with his arm over me. I don't remember much else but I'm sure I didn't sleep that night.
ISSUES!
So the spark wasn't there, nor was it the second time I visited, but I still harbor the desire for there to be. Every time I visit him or he visits me, I hope for the chemistry and at the same time know at this point it doesn't seem likely that I'll let myself feel it anyway. It's silly I know, and probably just a desperate attempt to believe that I can have the spark and the want to be with someone long term too. I dunno.
But I always come back to not wanting to hurt him. How presumptuous is that? If we got to really know one another again, by being in the same place at the same time for a length of time greater than 3 days, who's to say his crush on me wouldn't dissipate? Or mine on him wouldn't grow into love? (And I do have a crush without a spark. Actually, I have many of those. All on older men, aside from D who is my age, I think because they don't actually pose a threat and we can flirt without me having to worry about getting pregnant. Also, older men in general know how to make me feel good without coming across as only wanting to get in my pants. Though they make that desire clear as well...)
Why am I so obsessed with that spark?
And why haven't I really felt any chemistry with anyone?
Can I really do that much inhibiting with my mind?
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
The Hooch Says It All
A bartender once told me as I was peeling the label off of my bottle of Hooch (because I am that much of a drinker) that peeling the label off of bottles was a sign of sexual frustration. He walked away and I said to no one in particular, "am I that transparent?"
In retrospect, maybe he was hitting on me? But he walked away. And he didn't offer to relieve it so maybe not.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Life Sized And Everything
"You know I would never interrupt you when you're getting a piece of wood."
-Hollywood
Wow. A real/fake Kim Catrall.
Perhaps I should invest? Apparently I only have one sample to choose from. Charlie. On the couch or in a tub. I'd never have to worry about getting pregnant...or any sense of real life. It's the epitome of vicarious!
Hey Chuck, can you make my dreams come true?
Right. I can't even buy myself a vibrator. That's a mixture of embarrassment and fear that if I do get one, I'll keep my crown forever.
Where would I even start anyway? There are so many to chose from. The Astrea I? Really? Do people need to have orgasms at parties?
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Queen Vee's Vicarious Sex Education
A list of firsts as I can best remember. Many other scenes may have been witnessed by these eyes before I could record them mentally, but these are the basis of my enlightenment. Enjoy.
My first vicarious visual of a man's penis: Wild Things
Kevin Bacon, you were my first! And yes, I was in college. Someone just buy me a freakin' habit already. Only a glimpse, but I count it. Never saw An Officer And A Gentleman. My first porn was later in college. Some friends and I rented this Italian one because Jean and I thought it had a storyline. Pretty much just scene after scene of 6 guys cumming on one girl's face. The Ron Jeremy flick I saw years later was much more entertaining. (Strangely, this is the only lesson I actually learned before vicariously experiencing it. I was about 8 years old and playing with my friend who lived down the street when the bathroom door opened. There was her brother, naked and balancing on top of the laundry hamper. I couldn't imagine what that thing was dangling between his legs.)
My first vicarious visual of another woman's vagina: Basic Instinct
Ok so I was like 14. On a family vacation out West my father and I rented a movie in the hotel room while my mom went to sleep. Obviously he didn't know the movie content. As the sex scenes revved up I would look at him, more interested in his reaction to the fact that I was watching it than actually watching it. When he noticed he threw a pillow at my face and said, "cover your eyes." I knew then that he knew I knew about sex. I was naive what can I say?
My first vicarious witness to a female flip her bean: Sliver
Oddly enough another Sharon Stone flick two years later. Again, I told you I was naive. That whole shower scene is burned into my brain and to this day makes me completely paranoid that someone is watching me. Obnoxious.
My first vicarious simulation of a male spank his frank: Pump Up The Volume
(I have seen more actual public spankings than I want to, and in light of that I think I just can't remember the first actual vicarious one.) Ah the innocence. I had no clue why Christian Slater was making that noise until someone told me later. I could claim it as not really paying attention to the movie, but we all know the truth.
My first vicarious blow job: Heathers
I thought I was so badass when I saw this movie because it was rated R. I went over to JU's house, a rebel of sorts at 11 years old, and watched it with her and her older sister (who ended up being sent to boarding school after she dropped her hair dryer in the sink while the faucet was on. On purpose.) Of course, I didn't actually know the meaning behind the Maxell poster until a year or two later when I learned what a blowjob was on the school bus.
My first vicarious lick job: I don't know the name of it, but I'm pretty sure it starred Mary Stuart Masterson or at least an actress that looks like her.
All I remember is she's at work on the phone and this guy under her desk goes down on her. It's all she can do to keep from moaning into the phone. It was all I could do to keep from crying that I'd never felt that pleasure.
My latest vicarious experience of double oral and rough sex: A History Of Violence
I admit, had to rewind both scenes and watch them again. Not a lot is shown but damn does it point you in the right direction. Couldn't get either out of my head for a long time until...
My latest vicarious sex experience: P.S.
Oh the mounting. And on Topher Grace, one of my favorites. He calls himself wirey in the movie which makes me like his skinny ass even more. Maybe it's because you can't see anything but her slow bouncing that this scene will not leave me alone. Imagination is a powerful thing. I found myself replaying it in my head on my morning commute the other day and had to force myself to stop before things got too exciting. Ah Laura Linney you made it look so easy and enjoyable.
My first vicarious visual of a man's penis: Wild Things
Kevin Bacon, you were my first! And yes, I was in college. Someone just buy me a freakin' habit already. Only a glimpse, but I count it. Never saw An Officer And A Gentleman. My first porn was later in college. Some friends and I rented this Italian one because Jean and I thought it had a storyline. Pretty much just scene after scene of 6 guys cumming on one girl's face. The Ron Jeremy flick I saw years later was much more entertaining. (Strangely, this is the only lesson I actually learned before vicariously experiencing it. I was about 8 years old and playing with my friend who lived down the street when the bathroom door opened. There was her brother, naked and balancing on top of the laundry hamper. I couldn't imagine what that thing was dangling between his legs.)
My first vicarious visual of another woman's vagina: Basic Instinct
Ok so I was like 14. On a family vacation out West my father and I rented a movie in the hotel room while my mom went to sleep. Obviously he didn't know the movie content. As the sex scenes revved up I would look at him, more interested in his reaction to the fact that I was watching it than actually watching it. When he noticed he threw a pillow at my face and said, "cover your eyes." I knew then that he knew I knew about sex. I was naive what can I say?
My first vicarious witness to a female flip her bean: Sliver
Oddly enough another Sharon Stone flick two years later. Again, I told you I was naive. That whole shower scene is burned into my brain and to this day makes me completely paranoid that someone is watching me. Obnoxious.
My first vicarious simulation of a male spank his frank: Pump Up The Volume
(I have seen more actual public spankings than I want to, and in light of that I think I just can't remember the first actual vicarious one.) Ah the innocence. I had no clue why Christian Slater was making that noise until someone told me later. I could claim it as not really paying attention to the movie, but we all know the truth.
My first vicarious blow job: Heathers
I thought I was so badass when I saw this movie because it was rated R. I went over to JU's house, a rebel of sorts at 11 years old, and watched it with her and her older sister (who ended up being sent to boarding school after she dropped her hair dryer in the sink while the faucet was on. On purpose.) Of course, I didn't actually know the meaning behind the Maxell poster until a year or two later when I learned what a blowjob was on the school bus.
My first vicarious lick job: I don't know the name of it, but I'm pretty sure it starred Mary Stuart Masterson or at least an actress that looks like her.
All I remember is she's at work on the phone and this guy under her desk goes down on her. It's all she can do to keep from moaning into the phone. It was all I could do to keep from crying that I'd never felt that pleasure.
My latest vicarious experience of double oral and rough sex: A History Of Violence
I admit, had to rewind both scenes and watch them again. Not a lot is shown but damn does it point you in the right direction. Couldn't get either out of my head for a long time until...
My latest vicarious sex experience: P.S.
Oh the mounting. And on Topher Grace, one of my favorites. He calls himself wirey in the movie which makes me like his skinny ass even more. Maybe it's because you can't see anything but her slow bouncing that this scene will not leave me alone. Imagination is a powerful thing. I found myself replaying it in my head on my morning commute the other day and had to force myself to stop before things got too exciting. Ah Laura Linney you made it look so easy and enjoyable.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Go Clone Yourself
I am a bleeding heart liberal, pro-choice, feminist and all the other terms conservative extremists twist into bad words to scare people. However, I am against cloning as a form of procreation. Not that all bleeding heart liberal, pro-choice feminists are for it, I'm just saying, perhaps my mind's not that open.Which is actually odd when you think about it because after all my complaining about sex and lack thereof it, you'd think I'd be all for a new way of life that renders sex obsolete.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Friends Before Lovers
I like to read through my horoscope every once in a while to see what the stars supposedly have in store for me. Sometimes it makes me chuckle to think that some poor soul believes the overly general readings that could apply to just about everyone, and almost every time it makes me laugh when I get to the romance section.
This is especially funny because not only I am not the "kind of person" who asks people for their number, I can barely give mine out when someone asks me. The very first time a guy asked me I became all awkward and strange and promised to promise nothing. God that's embarrassing. Who promises to promise nothing regarding a phone call? I definitely won't be winning the best flirt award.
I seem to find a lot more truths in Chinese astrology. That is, the readings given more closely resemble my personality. One thing that comes up over and over in different readings is the fact that I hold friendships higher than romantic relationships. This has been true since high school. Side note: probably even before then...when I was in grammar school I had a 3 best friends and different boyfriend every week. What the hell happened?
I guess that's why I have no relationship drama as baggage, but I have broken friendships that sometimes weigh me down despite my best efforts not to let them. For whatever reason, whatever reason out of my hundreds, I think I need to feel connected to a person on a certain level of a balanced friendship (or what I perceive as balanced- I've been wrong before), where both sides expect back only what they are willing to give. That may sound idealistic, possibly even unrealistic to a cynic, but I think I've found a pretty good place.
I don't have a ton of friends I see often, but the ones I have I will probably have for a long time. I say that but then thinking about the changing courses of life and how growing apart can be a natural progression, I realize I may not.
Joan Cusack has a great line in Friends With Money about if she had met Jennifer Aniston's character at that point in their lives, instead of when they were younger, she probably would not be friends with her. Like the vicarious ass that I am, I applied this to my own life and found that I cut loose a lot of those friends from my youth. Most of the people surrounding me now I met as an adult. Or a fledging one anyway.
Except my best friend from high school who I still talk to and try to see often. She doesn't live that far, but it's far enough that I can't go over whenever I feel like it. We've been friends through a lot, and I don't mean that the two of us have had a lot of drama between us. In fact, we've hardly ever had a fight. I suppose that's mostly because I don't like to fight and will avoid confrontation at all costs. But also, she knows this about me and never takes advantage of it.
So 13 years later, we still consider ourselves best friends, though I really hate that term, even after she moved across the country, got married, moved back...But now she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her but I know things will change. I asked her in my snarky joking but half serious way if she thought we'd ever see each other after the baby was born. Most of the time when we see each other now it's because I go to her. She thought for a moment and said yes. I'm not so sure. I mean, she will always be my friend of course, but even good friends drift. It's always great when getting back together, but you get the picture.
Of course I want to be part of the baby's life, but hers is now a different path than the one I'm on. Not that I won't be able to go over there and stay like I've always done, but it won't be the same. Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe I won't mind because it'll be so great to play with my pseudo-niece or nephew. I don't know. Maybe we will still be the same and I'm over thinking as I usually do.
All I do know is things are going to change, and despite craving change, when it involves friendships that I hold dear it makes me nervous. But like always I will go with the flow and enjoy or mourn wherever it takes me.
You're not the kind of person to let an opportunity slip through your fingers. On the 1st, if you see somebody on the street and get a good feeling in your gut -- a feeling that tells you this person could be important to your life -- don't forget that you're the kind of person who takes advantage of situations like these and asks for their phone number.
-ivillage
This is especially funny because not only I am not the "kind of person" who asks people for their number, I can barely give mine out when someone asks me. The very first time a guy asked me I became all awkward and strange and promised to promise nothing. God that's embarrassing. Who promises to promise nothing regarding a phone call? I definitely won't be winning the best flirt award.
I seem to find a lot more truths in Chinese astrology. That is, the readings given more closely resemble my personality. One thing that comes up over and over in different readings is the fact that I hold friendships higher than romantic relationships. This has been true since high school. Side note: probably even before then...when I was in grammar school I had a 3 best friends and different boyfriend every week. What the hell happened?
I guess that's why I have no relationship drama as baggage, but I have broken friendships that sometimes weigh me down despite my best efforts not to let them. For whatever reason, whatever reason out of my hundreds, I think I need to feel connected to a person on a certain level of a balanced friendship (or what I perceive as balanced- I've been wrong before), where both sides expect back only what they are willing to give. That may sound idealistic, possibly even unrealistic to a cynic, but I think I've found a pretty good place.
I don't have a ton of friends I see often, but the ones I have I will probably have for a long time. I say that but then thinking about the changing courses of life and how growing apart can be a natural progression, I realize I may not.
Joan Cusack has a great line in Friends With Money about if she had met Jennifer Aniston's character at that point in their lives, instead of when they were younger, she probably would not be friends with her. Like the vicarious ass that I am, I applied this to my own life and found that I cut loose a lot of those friends from my youth. Most of the people surrounding me now I met as an adult. Or a fledging one anyway.
Except my best friend from high school who I still talk to and try to see often. She doesn't live that far, but it's far enough that I can't go over whenever I feel like it. We've been friends through a lot, and I don't mean that the two of us have had a lot of drama between us. In fact, we've hardly ever had a fight. I suppose that's mostly because I don't like to fight and will avoid confrontation at all costs. But also, she knows this about me and never takes advantage of it.
So 13 years later, we still consider ourselves best friends, though I really hate that term, even after she moved across the country, got married, moved back...But now she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her but I know things will change. I asked her in my snarky joking but half serious way if she thought we'd ever see each other after the baby was born. Most of the time when we see each other now it's because I go to her. She thought for a moment and said yes. I'm not so sure. I mean, she will always be my friend of course, but even good friends drift. It's always great when getting back together, but you get the picture.
Of course I want to be part of the baby's life, but hers is now a different path than the one I'm on. Not that I won't be able to go over there and stay like I've always done, but it won't be the same. Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe I won't mind because it'll be so great to play with my pseudo-niece or nephew. I don't know. Maybe we will still be the same and I'm over thinking as I usually do.
All I do know is things are going to change, and despite craving change, when it involves friendships that I hold dear it makes me nervous. But like always I will go with the flow and enjoy or mourn wherever it takes me.
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