I guess it's a sign of growth that I am now frustrated with instead of comforted by finding myself behind the walls I tried so hard to break down when it came to my friends. Trying to remain open and connected to them, especially when I was feeling down, worked for a while but then I started to need them in small ways, and then bigger ways, and they failed to deliver. Basically what I was so afraid of happening happened. Before I broke down and went to therapy I stopped communicating with friends because a) I didn't want to be a burden and b) I didn't want them to disappoint me by not being there for me. Well, I reached out to the two friends I consider closest and they have both disappointed me. Repeatedly. I realize everyone has their own lives to lead and no one should drop everything when a friend in need reaches out, but I can't even get either one of them to put aside a couple hours to have lunch. This is making them sound like horrible people but it's not like that. Life happens I guess and sometimes people just don't realize what they're doing.
M is the kind of friend who I rarely see even though we don't live that far apart but we've been through a lot emotionally so we are connected on that level. I'm beginning to feel though that although we will always be connected emotionally, presently that thread is not enough. When we do communicate, usually via text, she keeps saying she misses me and wants to catch up but then can't get together. Ever. She is the one who I credit with helping me blossom creatively and yet she never responded to the last song I sent her. She KNOWS how important music is to me as well as her opinion. She also really hurt me when she sent me a postcard announcing she'd gotten married. She and her wife went to town hall and did not invite anyone, but still. A postcard? And as is my style I said nothing because I didn't want to make her feel guilty. I know she had her reasons, one of which was she didn't want to make me feel bad about not being asked to be in her wedding or even at it, and all the details of her marriage are totally hers to tell or not, but I thought I was high enough on the food chain to at least get a phone call. She's busy I get that. But when I'm busy I still make time for the people I love, no matter how near or far they are emotionally or physically. Maybe it's just me.
K is my bff for 20 years now. She started working (part time) again and has 2 kids. She's busy, again I get that. But she's a control freak and can't let anyone else do anything so she feels overwhelmed and like she's perpetually behind on everything. I've tried to tell her she needs to make time for herself to see me (I'm one of very few people she can relax around) but again every date I give her to get together she "has to see" because she has a million other things going on. The problem is growing with her and I don't want to make her feel guilty for neglecting me (she has in the past apologized for this so she knows she does it) but at the same time, I never ask my friends for anything. Now I need a little of their time and I can't get it. It hurts. I credit her with saving my sanity and helping get to therapy but now she's one of the main sources of my sadness. I could never tell her that though because the guilt would consume her. I can't be responsible for that so I just have to suffer.
The obvious larger problem is that my life has not changed over the years we've been friends. Theirs have all changed drastically. I include them in my family but I am not a part of theirs. I give them slack because of their various other life obligations but when did I fall off that list completely? No one wants to be thought of as an obligation but you know what? True friends are under the obligation to act like friends toward each other.
I'm just suddenly very aware of my lack of human contact on a daily basis.
I am trying to find a community to join but it is not easy. I'm also looking for a mixed ethnicity community to join (I've recently gone though a bit of an identity shift concerning my mixed ethnic background) but they seem to be only online or in California. My hope holds out as usual for now.
