Turn Me On, I'm A Radio (That Gets Like One Station. Dare You To Find It.)

I watched a documentary called (A)Sexual the other night on Netflix. I'm not sure if it helped or just added a layer of "so what?" to my issue with sexuality, but I guess I'm glad I watched it. At the very least it has legitimized my thought/fear posted about a few times in this blog that my feelings of sexual attraction are much less than "normal". I took a few "are you an asexual?" quizzes online, because we all know that's a healthy thing to do, and they all resulted in a yes.

The thing is though I don't think I'm asexual. I mean, I guess I'm on the spectrum the same way people are now on the autism spectrum (consequently some argue asexuality can be linked to a type of autism- the not wanting to be touched and so forth) but the more I read about it the less clear my position becomes. You would think it would be the opposite. Though most of the people behind the asexual "movement" so to speak admit it is the farthest thing from black and white the questions they pose regarding the actual act of sex with another person I obviously can't answer or even pretend to. They say in response to people who don't believe asexuality exists that you can know you don't like/want sex if you've never had it. It's not a repression or fear. Like sexual attraction exists, no sexual attraction exists. I'm not sure why that is unbelievable to some people.

In some of the articles I read the question is asked, do you see people you'd like to have sex with just by looking at them? My answer is no, but is it because I genuinely don't think about sex when I think about being with a guy or is it because I've never had sex? I have a hard time imaging having sex. That whole 'people think about sex x number of times a day' is crazy to me. I only think about it when watching tv or a movie and the requisite sex scene arrives. I always root for it, like watching and am even turned on, but I'm not at my desk during the day thinking, "man I need to have sex. Look at that guy I bet he's amazing in bed." An asexual would be unhappy with my questioning my answer because maybe I do know that I don't like it and just can't admit it to myself. I just feel like I have to try it before I can make that determination. Everyone is different. Some days I really, really want to have sex, some days I think ew, do I really have to do that? It's so messy. I'll have to do laundry every time. 

At any rate, realizing this about myself changes nothing...though it should help me be more accepting of myself. The problem is as I said before, I don't think I can define myself as asexual. Not that it would be any easier to deal with if I could but like everything else in my life I feel a huge contradiction. I think I have experienced sexual attraction but I never acted on it so it was never fulfilled. This is graphic so be warned: during my first kiss (at 23 mind you) he was pressed up against my leg and I could feel him harden. I liked it. Did I imagine anything beyond that kiss? No. Did I reach down and touch it? No. It was actually only in retrospect that I realized I liked it. I'm not sure I was totally conscious of it when it happened. I've never actually told anyone about that. But I think this is why I'm not asexual; I enjoyed something (remotely as it were) sexual with another person. If we had been alone I think I would have gone further and probably enjoyed it despite being nervous. Everything I've read said asexuals can want and enjoy romance and intimacy with someone else but they do not enjoy anything sexual. That does not include masturbation or even being aroused by images or fantasy while alone...that's why it's so hard to determine for myself I think. It would be easier if asexuality could be defined as not enjoying being sexually pleasured in any way.

In thinking about Fusion, I wasn't really sexually attracted to him. I thought he was cute and interesting and tried to imagine having sex with him (which I think I even said in my post about him) but if I'm honest he didn't arouse me in any way. Here is where I get mad at myself. If I don't have a normal sexual attraction rate, why am I shutting down a guy who I like and think is cute just because I'm not sexually attracted to him? (Though he was also not sexually attracted to me so that's probably a factor I should take into account.) And therein lies my problem. I want to be sexually attracted. I want to be turned on both physically and mentally. For most people maybe this isn't asking too much. For me though maybe it is because my own damn body is working against me.

I am conflicted but it doesn't even matter. I just have to wait for the right person to enter my life and turn me on. Leaving this to chance is driving the control-freak in me insane. Frustration is my middle name.

The Timeline

I think I've finally discovered why life is so emotionally exhausting for me. That optimism I've been convincing myself is just a tiny part of my outlook, consistently overshadowed by my cynicism but yet present enough to keep me going, is actually a big part of my outlook. I've realized with every new thing I try I am hopeful. Incredibly, almost childlike-ly hopeful despite my attempt to deny, hide or repress it. Then, time after time, I am disappointed. Incredibly, aged-ly disappointed. And it wipes me out.

I moved to my new town outside of the city. Every factor surrounding the move was stressful and overwhelming but wonderful now that I've settled in. I really like it here. (Hope). I ventured out to an open mic. (Disappointed). I started my second semester of grad school. (Hope). Though academically both classes are going to be great, meeting people-wise...(Disappointed). I finished my freelance job in the city so now I'm working from home again which is both awesome and isolating. School is great for breaking the isolation...and yet I still manage to feel alone in any crowd. I know a huge part of that is in my head, but it's not like I'm the center of attention either.

And I hate that I'm complaining. But here is the only place I will let myself do it out loud so to speak. I don't want to spout this stuff to my friends and my best friend is going through her own depression now so I don't want to repeat my nonsense to her. I want to try to be a positive part of her life.

But I'm just so tired. Life tired. Post after post I say I'm tired and hope something will go my way personally speaking, how much longer can it go this way? I can't understand how my life has maintained this imbalance.

I finished the book- I liked it but it never delved into her deeper emotional state. And for some reason it makes me sad that I could have written the same book with my experiences (and wanted to) but always felt no one would have wanted to read it let alone publish it. Sort of like another little failure due to my amazing ability to inhibit myself. But I digress- Here is an interview with her where she does talk a little bit about how she feels. Her views on dating are exactly like mine, and yet I know she'll meet someone in the next couple years. She won't make it to 36 alone.
 Most days I don't think about it too much...well, the days I'm busy anyway. It's all about time. When I have the free time the brain always goes back to my age and my being alone. Good thing school started again, I won't have time.
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And despite being exhausted and disappointed I guess I have to admit hope is a good thing. If I lost it I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be long for this world.