Amor E Morte

I had some pretty dark thoughts as a kid. I don't know if it was normal because I never talked to anyone about them, but in retrospect it's weird to realize I thought about death when I was 7 years old. I'd never known anyone to die or had seen a dead person or had even known about anyone dying. And yet, I wondered what it would be like if I ceased to exist. What would my friends and family do? It was never an actual emotional desire to be dead, but it was still a curiosity that peppered my usually innocent thoughts.

Up through junior high I used to leave my room just-so, so that if anything did happen to me people would be able to tell what I was doing last. Coloring in my book, reading, listening to music, doing homework. Odd that that was what was important to me. I used to make lists in my head for who would get what: Lynne would get my music, Mae would get my stuffed animals, Tina would get my notebooks. I never regarded these thoughts as strange, though I never told anyone about them. They were always just kind of latently there. A passive kind of wonder at what life would be like without me.

I also had a 'feeling' that I would die young. In my thirties so I believed. Who knows what influenced me to think these things, or if they really did come from my own imagination, but this one stayed with me for a while. At least into my mid-twenties. If I was feeling dramatic it would be after I had married and had children, a tragedy for them, and if I was feeling melodramatic it would be just after I fell in love, more tragic for me that way you see.

Anyway I suppose like most things with me I kind of forgot about my 'feeling' after a while. The odd thing is though, I had it for such a long period of time and it never motivated me to somehow do the one thing on the top of my list of things I always wanted to do before I die. Like every hard-core romantic, all I've ever wanted was to fall in love.

How does that make any sense you ask? Coming from someone who seems to have the inability to open her heart?

Excellent question. If anything, I should have been first in line to fall in love with every boy who ever looked at me. After all, I believe love is something different for everyone. I even believe there are people who talk themselves into being in love and eventually believing it even if it's not true. And yet...and yet...never have I known, or talked myself into believing I've known, love in any other form than platonic.

I guess I missed the live fast part despite 'feeling' the die young. Or was I just being true to my independent self who always believed I'd eventually get the fairy tale love? Good things come to those who wait, good things come to those who wait, good things come to those who wait.

That got me through a lot of insecure times.

Was there a time limit on it?

The Field Experience

I decided to be social a few weeks ago and headed out for drinks with a bunch of colleagues. I ended up having a pretty good time, as I usually do when I make myself go to these things, and afterwards went home with a stomach full of warm fuzzies at how well-liked I felt. Or maybe it was the vodka. But I digress.

I chatted with Dee a female colleague of mine for a while and was asked something for the first time ever, right after she asked me something I've been asked thousands of times.

Dee: are you seeing anyone?
QV: nah
Dee: do you want to be?

I was caught off guard and had to think about it. After all these months of posts I still had to stop and think about it. Perhaps I'm not as open to it as I thought I was. I replied something like, "eh," but then went into an explanation of how hard it is to find a guy who's ok with a girl as independent as I am. At any rate, how not a lot of guys approach a girl as independent as I am.

She told me how after she was divorced years ago, she decided she was never going to get married again and is with a guy now who is totally accepting of it. They've been together nine years and have never lived together, at her request. I was fascinated and filled with hope, not because I want a guy who will love me on such specific terms, but because she managed to find someone who fit a pretty limiting bill. (Maybe he's always wanted the same thing, to love someone with a completely separate life, but it still goes to show any want has its counterpart...right?) My standards are high but not unreasonable. I'm willing to compromise...on some things.

She wondered out loud how it could be I wasn't with anyone because I was such a catch. I've never actually been called that before and it made me laugh. Though she can only guess what kind of catch I actually am (I have no problem saying I am a good catch..as long as you don't count all the bad habits I don't even know I have) I have to admit I quite enjoyed the compliment.

I eventually began talking to Kevin, a colleague who has made it known, at least to me, that he's a big fan of mine. Never in a weird, uncomfortable way, which is odd for me because usually when a guy who likes me but I don't like in return says nice things it makes me want to vomit, but still he does it. It is a little odd I suppose, and if anyone else ever really saw it they'd immediately become fifteen and start taunting me about it, but what can I do? I'm sure he's figured out by now that I'm just not that into him but I do think he's a great guy, a wonderful father and I love working with him. I just can't see myself with him.

It's funny because I have another colleague who just got divorced who I also like a lot, and I actually tried to imagine myself with him. He's on the opposite end of the life-style spectrum and I couldn't really see being with him either.

This guy though, I have no problem seeing myself with. But again I digress.

Me being me, after about two hours I was drained. Even being social with people I know and like is taxing for me, so I headed out. Before I left though I gave out hugs. I tend to want hugs when I get tipsy. I hugged Dee and another female colleague and moved toward the door. Gave Kevin a hug, then Simon who had just lost his job, then Rob and then Vikki. Then Rob complained that it was meaningless if I hugged everyone, so I gave him another hug. But then Simon said he's the one who needed the most sympathy so I gave him another hug. Then Kevin wanted another and then of course Vikki had to outdo them all by shouting "make out with me!" As juvenile as it seems, it made me happy. I felt a little bit like Sally Field. You like me! You really like me!

It's so silly because I know they all like me. It's mutual and always fun when we work together. I suppose it was just receiving an expression of it that's not really acceptable in the workplace that sent me home happy.

All in all I spent a lot of the evening talking about my personal life, which I despise doing, but didn't want to kill myself once. Course, I only stayed two hours...perhaps that's the magic number for me? Point is, I'm actually looking forward to the day I can actually talk about someone I'm seeing (despite my hesitation at the question). Then again, it's still a personal matter so I'll most likely keep the conversation short.