There are a number of very basic things that every single human being on the planet has in common. We are born of women (until the practice of cloning destroys us all), we breathe, we sleep, we eat and we die. For the individual to survive, s/he doesn't need sex, but for humanity to survive, we do. (Again, until cloning destroys us.)
I am absolutely fascinated by the fact that out of all the things humans do to/for one another, sex and sexuality carry the most weight. Throughout numerous cultures across seven continents, it is used to gain power, to shame, humiliate, to celebrate, to get revenge, to hurt, to show commitment, to feel a little pleasure on a thursday, etc etc etc. It seems every human emotion can somehow be connected to it, and every political motivation, whether it be socially or locally political between two people, satisfied by it. Whether or not it is true, from my uniquely American experience (or lack of), it seems procreation is last on the list of reasons to have sex.
At the moment all I can do is look at it from this outside academic perspective. It's very odd to me that this basic human practice is something I've managed to miss out on for my entire life. And not due to any strict religious reason, or the desire to save myself for my wedding night (did you know that wearing white for a bride was merely a fashion trend in the 19th century? It did not begin as a symbol of purity. Before that brides wore whatever color they wanted! I want to wear red! My parents would murder me!) or even because I wasn't ready. I mean, I wasn't, but when has that ever stopped anyone? It's like I've just been procrastinating. Oh sex? Yeah, yeah, I'll do that later.
Remember that girl who was the first to put her virginity up for sale on ebay? I wonder how I didn't think of doing that. Then I realize a) I'd never go through with it and b) well, a is really all I need isn't it? But then I read that she eventually had sex in a run-down London hotel with a 44 year old man who paid her almost nine thousand pounds. And it makes me sad. I don't actually think either of them did anything wrong, but that gut reaction to a female turning her body into a commodity is fierce. People turn everything else about themselves into commodities, so why not their sexuality?
I don't know. It seems so much of my life, or should I say my sexuality in wait, is this contradiction between my head and heart. On the one hand I feel like I could put my virginity up for sale. Historically speaking, (for me) it really is only tradition and cultural expectations that put such value on it, thus enabling a price to be paid for it. Ok maybe not so much 'up for sale', but just lose it to the next guy who shows any interest. But on the other hand I want to sleep with someone I actually care about. I want it to actually mean something rather than just be an act of pleasure (which it may or may not end up being) between two strangers.
Oddly enough my head usually wins, but in this case I have a feeling it's going to be my heart all the way. Perhaps it's just because my head matured much faster than my heart that it comes out the winner most of the time. Late bloomer could be another alias of mine, but just because I'm late doesn't mean I won't bloom. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
All this came about from taking a look at my little map to the right. I've gotten hits from countries my ignorant self has never even heard of, and I'm astounded that the thoughts of and about my inconsequential self would appeal to so many people. At least pique their interest enough to stop by. Then again, maybe it's just because Virgin is in the title.
At any rate, I hope by sharing my thoughts I bring a little comfort to others who may be in similar situations and not know how to feel about it. Some days I don't think about it at all, some days I think about how silly it all is and some days I wonder how it is I really came to be the way I am. Thoughts I am sure pass through non-virgin minds as well. Could it be we're not so different? After all, everyone around the world is a virgin, no matter how you define it, before they're not. It's definitely a global thing.
