So...the the young one contacted me (read: texted) again....weeks later. He asked me to a movie, one of my favorite things to do, but I was sick (among other things) so I did what I do worst. I lied. I supposed I could have just said I was sick, since that was the truth, but instead I said I had to work late. Technically it wasn't a lie because when I got home I actually did do more work, but this is beside the point. The point is, I didn't want to go. And thus begins the ride into confusion.
I suppose I should first admit that I guess I have expectations (but God forbid he have any of me) and I don't mean like he should pay or call me within 3 days. More like, when I gave him my number I kinda wanted him to call and ask me out. I really was of the mind that I would go out with him at the time. If he had asked called me that weekend at a reasonable hour, I would have gone. A month later? I've lost interest.
Or perhaps it's more general that that. I realize I've lost the mood.
Lost The Mood.
What the hell?
Honestly speaking I don't really want to go out on a date with anyone right now, unspecific to him really. And it completely annoys me that I can sit here, admit that and then still say that I'd like to be with someone. You see, I may be an anomaly, but I think there are other women out there who can't explain their actions any more than you can stop yourself from being hurt by them. It's not a justification or excuse for this behavior, it just...I don't know. When I figure it out I'll let you know.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Famous For Her...Irony
I recently missed my chance to be the face of virginity in a wide-spread publication of sorts. This saddens me because:
a) I have wanted to be professionally photographed since the day I realized professional photographers can make you look amazing.
b) My 15 minutes finally arrive and it is not in recognition of something creative or notable I've done, but rather something I haven't done at all.
Hey Alanis, that's ironic.
a) I have wanted to be professionally photographed since the day I realized professional photographers can make you look amazing.
b) My 15 minutes finally arrive and it is not in recognition of something creative or notable I've done, but rather something I haven't done at all.
Hey Alanis, that's ironic.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Wait It Out
I've just returned from a trip abroad, and it has renewed my interest in living outside of NYC. I love it here and it will always be my first home, but I think I will have to make some kind of major change, like moving to a new city, in order to change anything at all. Though, if I move to another city, I wonder if things would be all that different. The basics of city life, well, any life really, are work to live, work to live and some more work to live. Unless you're rich. And then it's partypartyparty, drive drunk, get arrested, then cry when you actually have to serve out your sentence for breaking the law. Sorry, wow where did that come from?
I know there is more to life than that, but in general you have to work in order to do any of the other things that makes life fun.
On the other hand, I'm full swing into the new job which I am enjoying, so I need to give it a while before getting up and running out.
That action obviously still prevailing over the desire to move, I feel like I have somehow convinced myself that waiting works. I waited out Jean, I waited out this job, I guess I can wait out dating because eventually he will find me. Or I'll find him despite the lack of looking. Or I'll finally stop fooling myself that the reason I can't bring myself to date is I just don't want to give up my personal time or deal with someone else's baggage...which may actually just be a reflection of my own baggage. How selfish is that?
A friend told me the other day that when she went to the GYN she asked them to test her eggs. She's in her mid 30s and and starting to worry about her fertility. She wants to have a baby, but she's in no rush to find a man. I'm not yet thirty, but I know it's something I will start to think about over the next few years. Most of the time I think there's no way in hell I'm giving birth and that I will adopt when the time comes. But who knows? Do I want a child enough to be a single mother? I don't think so. But again, who knows what five years experience will bring to my life.
How can I make myself change so I don't wake up one day, 50 and regretful that I waited?
I know there is more to life than that, but in general you have to work in order to do any of the other things that makes life fun.
On the other hand, I'm full swing into the new job which I am enjoying, so I need to give it a while before getting up and running out.
That action obviously still prevailing over the desire to move, I feel like I have somehow convinced myself that waiting works. I waited out Jean, I waited out this job, I guess I can wait out dating because eventually he will find me. Or I'll find him despite the lack of looking. Or I'll finally stop fooling myself that the reason I can't bring myself to date is I just don't want to give up my personal time or deal with someone else's baggage...which may actually just be a reflection of my own baggage. How selfish is that?
A friend told me the other day that when she went to the GYN she asked them to test her eggs. She's in her mid 30s and and starting to worry about her fertility. She wants to have a baby, but she's in no rush to find a man. I'm not yet thirty, but I know it's something I will start to think about over the next few years. Most of the time I think there's no way in hell I'm giving birth and that I will adopt when the time comes. But who knows? Do I want a child enough to be a single mother? I don't think so. But again, who knows what five years experience will bring to my life.
How can I make myself change so I don't wake up one day, 50 and regretful that I waited?
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