One For Sorrow...

I almost cried the other morning. Almost. My eyes welled up but nothing fell. I stopped it before it could happen. I suppose your definition of what crying is will determine whether or not I actually did, but this is not the point. The point is I'm beginning to think I may be a robot.

For the last few days though, I've been fighting a bout of loneliness which kind of detracts from the whole robot theory. Perhaps I'm more of an artificial intelligence, programmed to think I'm feeling emotions. If I wake up with Cylon scrawled across my mirror I won't be surprised.

It's a difficult thing sometimes for me to determine where my emotions are coming from. Rather, if they are real or due to the hormonal imbalance I must suffer monthly. When I turned on GMA the other day and saw pictures of the tragedy at Virginia Tech I felt a sorrow rise up in my chest that eventually reached my eyes. Granted television has become a competition between networks to see who can deliver (read: sensationalize) the news the fastest, the truthiest and the fairest, the images of college kids fading in and out over hauntingly sparse piano music were still images of another sad truth in our nation's history. And I almost cried. Despite it feeling very real I shut the sorrow off and finished getting ready for work.

Is that a sign of strength? Or a mechanical heart?

But in the moment I let the emotion wash over me I thought wow, I can still feel.

Then I got my period and the realness of my sadness dissipated somewhat. Am I diminishing my feelings in order to deal with them? Or am I really just so numb that only my menstrual cycle can knock me off balance enough to create a tear?

I don't know. I'm confused. I always thought I didn't want any drama in my life, but maybe I need a little to feel alive. Or maybe I'm just PMSing. Professionally I'm still frustrated as my promotion still has not gone into full effect, and I don't know how much longer I can tell myself I'm over feeling used and won't take it anymore. Guess three years isn't quite enough. Trying to find comfort in my own arms isn't quite cutting it anymore. About the job, about the tragedy...about the good stuff too. Consciously I feel like I've progressed with how to go about changing my personal life. Subconsciously I'm afraid I'm still afraid.

Dad Weighs In

Dad: So you met your cousin's fiance?
QV: Yes! He's 1000 times better than the meat heads she usually goes for.
Dad: Oh?
QV: He plays music, he's smart, soft-spoken...
Dad: Does he have any friends?

The Academics Of Sex

First, I just wanted to send a little thank you out to everyone who has commented or sent me an email. Bearing witness, even anonymously, can lighten the load (despite it being all in my mind) and those who can and do identify make it even lighter. So thanks!

Second, I'm doing some thought process rearranging. You know, trying to change the negatives into positives. In the meantime, here are some quotes from people who have had sex. Always the eternal student...I seem to have already mastered the contradictory nature of it.

"Sex.  In America an obsession.  In other parts of the world a fact." 
~Marlene Dietrich

“Nobody dies from lack of sex. It's lack of love we die from.”
~Anonymous

“Sex is a momentary itch, love never lets you go.”
~Anonymous

“Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.”
~Anonymous

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.”
~Barbara Cartland

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
~Joan Rivers

"I haven't had sex in eight months. To be honest, I now prefer to go bowling."
~Lil' Kim

"Love is a matter of Chemistry, but sex is a matter of Physics."
~Unknown