(Not) Hopeless in NYC

"She was 34 years old, we had all given up on her. Like there was no hope, you know," this next part was carefully whispered so no one could hear,"'cuz she was a virgin."

This, said to me by my co-worker friend who is just as single without prospects as I am as we had once again got on the subject of being single, made me want to simultaneously disappear and nonchalantly sit back in my chair and say, "what makes you think I'm not?" Instead I went very still, as I always do when someone says the word virgin like it's a bad thing, and nodded dumbly doing all virgins everywhere a disservice.

I wanted to say, you know you've had sex and now you're older than 34 and still single. That woman is now married with a kid. Why is there hope for you and not her? And seriously, why do you think I'm not? Every story I've ever told you has been chaste and even after all the stories you've told me about your sex life I've never once reciprocated. Two and two? No? Too weird to think a normal woman you call your friend could possibly be a virgin?

Ok then.

I'm glad I didn't tell her as I wanted to a few months ago. That's not to say she would treat me differently, I actually think she's a really great friend and this newsflash wouldn't change what she thinks of me (at least on a personal front. She may think I'm repressed or something because most people who have had sex can't understand that not having sex doesn't automatically mean you're repressed), but this just shows what she's really thinking. I'm not mad at her or anything I'm just tired of being made to feel hopeless or weird about it because left to my own devices it would never be a factor. Who cares how much or how little sex someone has unless you are that person? Sex is not a biological need as some believe. We do not die from not having sex. We may die out, but we don't die from its absence like we do food and water. Of course we can suffer detrimental psychological effects but so can an internet addict who is forced to go without internet access. It's all about connection yes but people use many ways to connect, sex is not the definitive form. Obviously there are people in everyone's life who they connect with and at the very same time don't have sex with. Why is that so hard for people to remember?

On the other hand it's nice to know a 34 year old virgin met and got married in this godforsaken city after years of looking and being labeled hopeless by her friends. 

I Could Write The Book On That...

So I was reading articles on the internet today, as I tend to do at work, and I came across a plug for this book:

I was interested of course and immediately bought the book for a number of reasons. 1 because yay a memoir not filled with glamorous life adventures of travel and sex, or cutthroat careers and sex, or weird upbringings and sex- no, this was clearly someone I could identify with rather than just admire for having/surviving a life that would make an awesome movie. 2 because I wanted to see how she represented herself and how she managed to become an adult without having a romantic, let alone sexual relationship. I'm only a few pages in but what I've gleaned so far is she's got a good sense of humor which lends a hand to her not wallowing in self-pity and that she's only 25. What I'm interested in though is the part where she does get serious, because you know a book like this will have to at some point.

25. 

I know some of my readers are that age or even younger and struggle with being a virgin and single their whole lives due to the ridiculous expectation to be sexually active by 18...but to me at this point it seems so young. 

They way she begins the book is cute and much the same way I could start my own- being in love with a boy at 7. I'm only up to her being 12 but the major difference I can see so far is that she was absolutely boy crazy. I never was. I liked boys don't get me wrong, but I didn't hang pictures up anywhere of teen celebs or obsess over what it would be like to be married to them or any boy for that matter. Weirdly I had "boyfriends" all through grammar school but once puberty hit and hand holding wasn't enough I freaked out and shut down.

Then I thought, well if she could write a book about still being single at 25, I could write one about still being single at 36. Then I thought, so could everyone on my blog roll. We should all write a book. Maybe a collection of short memoir stories about our own experiences. I would read that. 

Of course I may be biased.

But it's an idea.

I have to go read more to see how this book plays out. I'm crossing my fingers it keeps us all in a good light.

End of Chapter: So Close

Well, third time's a charm I guess. I found another buyer and it looks like this sale will actually go through. However, this buyer is crazy too and because of the prolonged process at the beginning of the sale, I lost the most perfect rental apartment by hours. I was so angry I couldn't see straight when it happened, mostly because I was feeling sorry for myself and harping on why it feels like nothing can ever go smoothly for me. But also because why does everyone have to be an asshole all the time?

Anyway, school is keeping me pretty occupied but this sale sent my stress level through the roof. Oddly now that the worst has happened and I don't have a place to move but I have a date I have to be out, I'm less stressed. Strange how that happens. Looking forward to the change, holding out hope I will meet some new people, still struggling with the is it fate/am I trying hard enough theory and just trying to be ok with the way my life is going.

Maybe I should move to Japan. Then maybe at least the stigma of being a virgin would subside. But of course I do want to have sex and get married and am not obsessed with my digital life so maybe not. Sigh.

Things

I have a new friend at work. She started around February and for whatever reason I trusted her enough to tell her about my life. I'm not sure how high the wall is that I have up but she's the first person in a long time I've bothered to open up to at all. She does not know I still hold the V-card but for some reason there's a part of me that wants to tell her. I know she won't believe me at first but after I explain why she'll get it. I dunno. I probably won't. Maybe it's just nice to have someone new to talk to about life stuff- she's reciprocated with things about her life, most recently being sex. Yay. My favorite subject.

She has this guy she calls her booty call. It is not something she does often (and in actuality has only done a couple times) but she admitted to being a little lonely lately and wanted sex. So she went ahead and did it. I have to admire that. All in all though she's having the same problem I am: finding a guy she connects with. The difference is she goes out on dates, has had boyfriends and also sex. Feels like worlds apart with the same outcome. I could do the whole physical appearance/personality comparison but it's a waste of time. We are all well aware none of it matters in that way.

I haven't been able to move yet because the sale of my apartment fell through. My buyer strung me along for the prime summer months when people are looking and then couldn't come up with the finances. I'm so irritated because I was told different things by her lawyer and her realtor but always that she had the money and she was so close to getting the mortgage. In the mean time I look like an ass for giving her extension after extension. I finally just killed it. Square one.

Now for some reason my heart is impatiently screaming at me that I'm going to meet someone where I'm going and I just prolonged the process. My head knows I am absolutely setting myself up for disappointment but I can't help but hold on to that little bit of optimism.

School started and I am LOVING it. It feels really great to have the gears grinding again, my brain forced to focus on cognitive readings longer than a 100 word news blurb.  But still I haven't met anyone. I forced myself to attend a bunch of orientations and meet and greets and in the end always found myself in conversation with a group of females. I can't win. 

12 Years? I'm Supposed to Be Amazed?

What? How...what? seriously? I can't even form a coherent thought about this article..

First of all, I had no idea American and French women were in competition. Of any kind let alone sexually.

Second of all, ...what? how? what? seriously? Everything about this 'memoir' makes me want to pull my hair out.

Life & The Introvert

I'm feeling a little hermetic today, probably partly because it's a big American holiday and I should be feeling the exact opposite. I was invited to two different parties but my stress level has been climbing over the past few weeks and it makes me want to hide my head in the sand. Stress + Expected Social Behavior = Hermit

I recently read that book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" if you've heard of it. While reading the first few pages I felt like the author had somehow gotten a glimpse inside my head, which in any other circumstance would have freaked me out. In this case it was comforting. She was pretty much describing in detail the whole way in which I relate to the outside world. After a few chapters it started to make me see how I could possibly see myself in a different light...or at the very least, stop criticizing myself so much for feeling the way I do. Much of the book was sort of common sense, but she did make me take a second look at the way I process things and that in itself was incredibly worth it.

The first thing that struck me was her separation of the shy introvert from the sensitive introvert. I guess at times I can be a little shy but I wouldn't really consider myself a shy person. It never made total sense to me to call myself an introvert because I equated it with being shy and unable to make friends. Instead I went straight to "I guess i'm just off then. Maybe overly moody. Definitely different." But sensitive? How many times have I said that on this blog alone? She talks about how exhausting it is for introverts to be social and the only way to recharge is to spend quiet time alone. (Conversely it the exact opposite for extroverts which sort of blows my mind.) I always thought there was something weird about the fact that I needed alone time. She goes on to say that it is of course not black and white, no one is totally one or the other. We have traits of both that come into play at various times in our lives, depending on our circumstances and experiences, and there is nothing stopping anyone from becoming (or faking) the one they feel they are not. But ultimately we are born with tendencies toward one and you can see it as soon as a child begins to socialize. 

Despite being somewhat if not totally aware of my introverted tendencies I used to get so angry at myself for not wanting to go to parties. It was this weird sort of self-acceptance while fighting against it at the same time. Admittedly I still scold myself for not being more social which ultimately just leads to getting depressed, but lately I've been able to take a step back and not scold so harshly. (Not sure why I was only able to do that after reading it written by a stranger but not after my best friend told me repeatedly to stop it.) I suppose ultimately it's a gain on the self-acceptance ladder and I have to thank her for that.

I used to think I used to be a happy person. Perhaps I was when I was very small and unaware that the world outside my house existed. But once I was exposed I think the happiness was replaced with concern for others which inevitably lead to being hurt. Not that I was a sad, loner kid, I was actually a pretty happy kid, but over time I think the introversion solidified. Unnoticeably maybe because my mom was always one for 'go play in your room'. She only had to tell me once because I loved playing alone in my room- it's only now when I see my friends' kids that I realize not all kids are like that. Most of them need constant attention and entertainment. I provided that all for myself. My mom kept all my school records and I read through them recently. From 1st to around 5th grade various teachers commented on how I treated the other kids as well as the teachers themselves with care. It shouldn't surprise me I know that in the end my constant awareness of others' feelings became my downfall, but it's fascinating to discover I did not learn that behavior, I was born with it. I'm pretty sure neither of my brothers gave a damn how other people felt at that age and we all grew up in the same house. 

To paraphrase the book, unhappy people see setbacks as something that ruined a good thing while progressive people see them as something that made them stronger. I have experienced both of those ways of thought concerning my friendship with Jean. On the one hand I think, that was such a painful experience I will never be the same. My whole world has darkened and I'm not as nice as I used to be. On the other hand I think, that was such a painful experience I am much stronger for it and it has made me into who I am today. Luckily now I don't focus too much on that part of my past. I still wonder sometimes how I'd be different if I had been stronger with her, or even better had never met her at all, but I can't help feel that because it happened (along with all the other shitty treatment I've received from various people- I can't give her sole credit) I'm way more introverted than I ever was. Then I fight with myself about whether it's ok or unacceptable to be that way.

I've also come to realize that at this point, right now, I'm either overwrought (emotionally) or under-stimulated (intellectually) and I think that's why I'm ALWAYS exhausted. I look forward to the weekend so much because it means I'll have time to do the things I love and I find all I can do is sleep or veg in front of the tv because I'm tired. It takes everything I've got to do laundry or go food shopping and then I just get angry at myself all over again because it's like, well then DO something, stop complaining.

So I currently find myself selling my apartment, moving to a new town, preparing to go to grad school (I was accepted!), deciding on whether to take a staff job doing what I love but at the very same time being bored out of my mind, all of which is taking too long to happen so my brain is literally on fire. Some days it's great and it propels me forward, other days all I want to do is hide in a dark cave. A friend of friend said, "you are remarkably calm! i would be so stressed out." when she found out all I was up to these last few months. I was like, you should see the inside my head. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and running in circles, it's quite the show. Apparently though I have decent composure, so there's that. 

I was talking with another friend about depression. She said, do you think there will be an end to it when you find someone? She said she used to suffer from depression stemming from poor self-confidence/image and always expected it would go away when she met someone. It has gotten better since she met her partner but of course it has not disappeared. Being with someone pretty much means dealing with your problems plus someone else's problems. 

I am a-ok with that.

I said rationally speaking of course I don't believe my depression will stop when I meet someone (when I sat down and thought about it, it's been happening since I hit puberty so I'm pretty sure it's at least partly in the chemistry) but I can't help feeling like no matter how awful I feel, at least I'll have someone to share in my life. I know what alone feels like. I know what lonely feels like. There's a part of me, probably the overblown romantic part, that whole heartedly believes that just having someone there will make it just a little bit easier. It may be a false belief, I'm not completely naive I know life is just as hard with someone as without, but it's one I need I think to keep going. And anyway, how would this have become famous if not partly true?

I need to find a new apartment as I have accepted an offer on my place. I'm alternately thrilled and terrified. (Seems to be a familiar feeling whenever I try to change anything). I've been out to the new town I want to live in to just drove around a few times, and I started to think I'd convinced myself I loved the place so it would be easier to move. It's as congested and busy as where I am now just with more suburban houses and greenery. Unless I move to farmland in west Jersey it's inescapable. I'm suddenly questioning whether I should move when I know I need to...as if I could make the wrong decision...as if there's a right and wrong here. 

I still incessantly wonder what it would be like to shut off. The only moment of peace I get is that split second before I fall asleep - after falling asleep I'm dreaming or hallucinating (they've started again albeit a very light version at the moment) or waking up because my brain is on fire again thinking about all the what ifs. I'd love to sleep for a week.

I guess I'm writing all this cuz it's easier for me to communicate this way, another trait verified in the book along with over analysis and a rich creative sense. However I've all but stopped writing lately which is bad. Something else in the book is making me think about how to motivate myself back into writing. She says remember what you wanted to be when you were a child, the core of that dream likely remains true.

After a few years of convincing myself I was going to be an acrobat, I realized I wanted to be a writer. Up through the later years of college I held on to that belief. Granted I ultimately found a different creative outlet that I really do enjoy, I still used to write stories in my head constantly. Over the years even that has subsided and it makes me sad. My world view has changed for the darker. Being an adult really sucks sometimes. I used to be so appreciative of the world around me, I just have to find a way to get back to that...and to find humor again beneath all the negativity. If you can believe it I used to be known for having the biggest, loudest laugh. There is nothing I enjoy more than a real life story about something mundane that makes me giggle. I am a big fan of David Sedaris and aspire to one day have a book like his about my own silly adventures. My friends used to love getting emails from me about my random little experiences.

So I find myself repeating my attempt at a positive mantra: I will try. I hope being back in an academic setting will force me to have some discipline. 

Happy fourth. :)

Have I Served My Time?

When does it get easier?

Please tell me at some point it gets easier.

A Literal Fevered Dream

I dreamed I had a fever. There were others who had fevers too, but after awhile theirs started to break. Mine only got worse. There were hospital type beds on the crowded street. It did not seem strange to be lying in one of them. People were either indifferent to me or as in the case of the woman tending to me did not believe me. But my skin was hot and I was exhausted. I kept trying to open my eyes but didn't have the strength to keep them open. I could tell by her body language that she thought I was faking.

My mind was going a mile a minute and I just couldn't take her judging me so I tried to get up to walk home. My legs kept giving out as I balanced along a brick wall, eyes half open and bent at the waist. Eventually I just laid down in the street, not far from the beds. She came over and poured ice all over me, thinking it would make me jump up. I couldn't feel it and only sunk under another wave of exhaustion.

I looked up fever on a bunch of different dream dictionary sites and they all said something different. The only one that seemed to apply was this one from here:

To dream that you are stricken with this malady, signifies that you are worrying over trifling affairs while the best of life is slipping past you, and you should pull yourself into shape and engage in profitable work.

I wouldn't say what I'm worrying about is trifling, but it is certainly distracting me from enjoying my life. I know I've said it a thousand times but I just can't get over being tired. All the time. I suppose maybe it's a symptom of a low grade depression, as my sleep has been on a better cycle as of late, or maybe it's just the result of a relentless inner voice that constantly reminds me of the things I have to do, the things I haven't done and the things I might never get to do.

Far be it from me to focus on what I have done, what I have enjoyed and what I have at present. I wonder yet again if I should go back on medication. I hate even the thought.

Back Under

Loneliness is an anchor. No matter where you try to hide it within, it will always weigh you down. Sometimes, when the timing is right, the tucks and curls of the waves hold you up and while your head is above water you feel the warmth and joy of the sun on your skin and the air in your lungs. But then, like always, the water keeps moving and you find yourself beneath the surface again. I don't know if this is what life is like for anyone else. I imagine as it is a result of being human that everyone experiences something similar to a certain degree, but I really wonder what life is like in someone else's mind. Someone un-selfaware that doesn't question her place in the world or how she's living the gift of life. Someone who never falls prey to the cyclical nature of negative thoughts and dark depressions. Is it a warm bliss? Or an empty oblivion?

I went down to the DC suburbs to explore and decide if it was my next big move. It wasn't. Perhaps it was because it wasn't what I was expecting, perhaps it was because unconsciously I knew leaving my friends wasn't a smart move, but I didn't take to any of the neighborhoods I saw. I was hoping to get that feeling I got the first time I rode into my neighborhood now. This is it. Plain and simple. It might be the only time in my life I've ever been so sure of something so quickly. I guess maybe that's why this has become so complicated for me. I still love my neighborhood but I have to get away from the city. I need to. 

So after yet more sleepless nights I have decided to move out to the suburbs and go back to school for my Masters. Unfortunately for what I want the city is the best place to get it. And I'm still working here. At any rate these decisions made me feel so much better and lighter. Until last night. I began thinking, well what if I still don't meet anyone in the next couple years while I'm working and studying? Then after I finish and am just working again I'll be right back where I started. Sad, lonely and bored just in a different place. I think being bored is actually what prompted school- I love what I do creatively, but the way the industry is going there's not much critical thinking involved. Some work days I spend a lot of time being bored and it's aggravating because I have so many things I could be doing. There's only so much internet my eyes can take and being in an office hinders my other creativities. Or maybe it just feels like I'm always being watched so I am compelled to stick to work even when I don't have any. Boredom just magnifies the loneliness which in turn feeds the sadness. 

I don't know. Some dear readers are so encouraging and have told me that I am brave. It doesn't feel that way. Despite trying to change things and talking a good game, falling prey to my own negative thoughts feels like a giant weakness. I'm just repeating all my years of past posts in saying I was doing so well! And now suddenly I'm not. That's my life in a nutshell. I haven't cried yet but I can feel it coming. I mean, maybe it also has to do with hormones and my cycle which is such a fun part of being female. I wish there was a way to tell the difference. Like, when it's my period a perfect little red dot appears on my stomach. When it's depression it's blue. 

All I know is I don't understand why the path I have tread is a solo one and always has been. Even the the most miserly somehow have someone who loves them and deep down they love in return. I can't reconcile fate and free will in my head, so my belief system just swings back and forth. The only constant is that the answer to "why am I still alone?" makes me sad either way; the universe is withholding or I'm not doing enough. I just can't accept that some people are never meant to find love. Maybe if I did I could find happiness.

'Til I Go

It's either me or this city and I'll never know unless I go.

This is from an email (grammatically and obscenely ridiculous as it is) I wrote a close friend few weeks ago:

"...I've gone from vile mood to vile mood since my birthday. How about a throwback to our days of endless emotional emails? It's been quite a long time since I've written one and im sure you're just dying to know what sort of depressive state im currently in...so here goes.

Im f'ing depressed. Again. Crying uncontrollably at the drop of a hat. Everything rips my heart up. Im so sick of feeling emotionally shitty all the time. Even when im not feeling sad the underlying loneliness is always there. God i hate admitting that. But it's true. The loner is finally admitting not being able to handle her loneliness...

K says i should go back on antidepressants but i do not want to contact the Dr. I know why im depressed. I know im responsible for changing it. Again K says im too hard on myself. That i should learn to accept that im an inherently oversensitive person and stop being angry with myself about it. But how? How do i stop being angry with myself for being irrational and for getting hurt over the dumbest shit? or feeling the littlest things so deeply when i know perfectly well how ridiculous it is?

I started this a few days ago and since have been pretty busy- no time to think or wallow, but something else is also sort of making me feel a little better.

i think i've come to finally admit that it's just time to leave the city...Despite occasionally meeting people who are nice, the years have deeply embedded the notion that everyone here is an asshole. Including me! I've become the person I dislike because I'm around so many assholes who can't respect personal space, not spit on the ground in front of me, hold a door if i am directly behind them, blow smoke from the cigarette directly into my face... i've just stopped being nice altogether. I never thought I'd be bothered by these things but i guess it all adds up after after a while. I just don't think i'm going to meet a guy here anymore. I think i literally have to move somewhere where the people are nicer. 

Does such a place exist? Or...if i move and i'm still angry and depressed all the time i'll really have to admit it's just me. But it's worth a shot maybe? Getting work is really what will hold me back. Well that and facing having to meet people, be social and form a new circle of friends, none of whom i'll ever be as close with as i am with you or K...do i want that? i don't know. all i know is that staying here doesn't seem to be working. I've always had a love/hate with the city, but i'm beginning to realize it's really a love of the city/hate of the people. The culture, arts, music, even all the lights and buildings and sights- i love it. i could wander thru the city every day, if it weren't for the people who make me want to stick a fork in my eye. 

This is so hard to admit because i always had this idea that new york is where i fit, people wise. it was like this mecca to me of people who didn't fit anywhere else so this is where they all came to finally be happy. it sounds so simplistic and juvenile now. i mean i knew it wouldn't be as easy as that, but i thought at least i'd find something. i suppose in a way i have, i wouldn't trade the friends i have now for anything, but i guess like everything you dream about when you're young it's not how i thought it would be. thinking back, i've always felt a little like i didn't belong or was left out of things growing up despite having friends and never being considered unpopular...

i started thinking about people in relationships who expect their partner to be everything for them. I think i might be doing that just in reverse. because i don't have a person, i expect (not consciously) my friends to fill in and it's just not possible. you have to have both otherwise it just leads to pain..."

SO like I said, it's either me or this city and I'll never know unless I go. I had a few more uncontrollable crying sessions thinking about where to go. Unfortunately though my job is perfectly workable from home anywhere, I don't believe companies would hire me unless I was nearby. And for what I do NYC and LA are the only places that need me. LA was an exciting thought- the west coast would be so nice and sunny and a total change of life pace- but ultimately it's just too far. I know I couldn't handle moving my whole life out there by myself. If anything has happened these past few years it's that I've learned my emotional limits. Well...started to anyway. Then I discovered a small pocket in the DC area so that's where I'm currently contemplating making this big life change. I've applied for a job but haven't heard yet.

In the meantime I accepted a freelance job that requires me to go in to the city every day again. On the one hand it's really good because I'm too busy to self-reflect and drive myself crazy with thoughts about my life and what I'm doing or currently not doing with it. On the other hand I'm back to wanting to shoot everyone on the street because they can't take a moment to realize there are OTHER PEOPLE IN EXISTENCE AROUND THEM. Sorry. It's just so aggravating.

So hopefully next time I write it will be with good news. This cycle of depression has got to stop.

The Purity Reign

The annual ridiculousness has come and gone, and as always being the queen of purity everything is good. I say ridiculousness because when you really think about it, how absurd is it to have someone squish your boobs looking for lumps (or grab your scrotum and tell you to cough)?

This time she seemed a lot less rushed and friendlier than usual. When the question arrived, "do you have the same sexual partner as you did last year?" I answered, "no still no partner." Short pause. And then, "show me a good man in this city." She said, "I know! It's hard here."

And then commenced the boob mashing and vagina poking and then it was over.

Sigh. All this so I can get a prescription to take these little pills to regulate my period. Because clearly I don't need it as birth control. Hmmm, train of thought here switching gears...the anxiety medication (highly addictive and can really mess you up if not taken properly) I was taking awhile ago was $12 for 30 pills. My birth control is $85 for 30 pills. Both are generic. I guess I am taking a certain kind that is more expensive for some reason, but in the past I've never paid less than $50 a month and always for generic. 

I find this utterly offensive. If a medication existed to regulate the cycle of semen I bet it would cost 10 cents a pill...or have been made free loooooong ago.

I'm not one of the lucky women who get birth control for free because I have to buy my own insurance and I didn't add on prescription coverage. When I started there was no need. It will be a year in March so I figured I'd call and see how much it is and if it's worth it. They don't tell you (or at least remind you when the time comes) that you can only change your coverage once a year before January. I stupidly assumed it was once a year depending on when you started coverage. I'm so irritated I feel like canceling the insurance altogether. Grrr.

Same Wavelength

I got another text from Fusion the night of the 'let's touch base' text which asked, on second thought what are you doing this weekend? Whomp. I wasn't sure what to say because I was still figuring out what I wanted to do so I just said I was busy with after holiday stuff. He said ok next week then.

By Saturday night I had written out and revised a text thirty times before sending it. It basically said I've been anxiously thinking about this and wanted to be be honest, I think we're lacking chemistry and I hope it's ok if we are friends.

His response? I feel 100% the same way.

I was right! I read him as well as myself and our interactions right. I suppose because of what I've been through and how I'm wired emotionally, I'm always doubting my feelings which only adds to the anxiety. So it was really great to find out I was on the right track and that he was totally cool about it. He even asked why I was so anxious because we'd only gone out a few times. It was a great reminder that other people do not think the way I do and don't feel like everything that happens to them is momentous, or at the very least don't always feel it at a vibrating 10 instead of a normal 3 or 4. 

He was actually really great and said he thought I was pretty and nice and decided to keep trying because he sort of wanted the chemistry to be there. In the end though it was a relief because he thought I really liked him. Guess he wasn't as good at reading me. 

At any rate, it was a positive experience all the way around even though it didn't work out and I feel a lot better about things.

That's not to say I've successfully kept the looming clouds at bay...they've obviously been encroaching and I've been up and down these past few weeks, but I haven't completely fallen off the edge. Baby steps. I still have to contend with my birthday. 

Up Next: Still Crazy

I just want to stop caring. About everything.

Just when I thought I'd finally grown a few layers of skin over this exposed nerve...

Aside from the concrete skies of deep winter, Thanksgiving is the hardest time of year for me. Everyone complains about having to spend time with extended family- my complaint is the exact opposite. I actually don't remember ever having a traditional Thanksgiving with family. I might have when I was a child, but from age 12 on my parents took a Caribbean vacation every third week of November. (I have since learned that Thanksgiving was my mother's most hated time of year. Surprise.) Not that I'm complaining about that, when I did spend the holidays with them there it was amazing, if not sometimes hard to find a turkey dinner. But as an adult I appreciate much more the event of spending time with family than anything else, and every year unless I am able to take the vacation with them (which as happened twice since 1994), I go without. And my brother is just too damn far away.

I am incredibly grateful for the friends who have taken in my lost soul all these years and have included me in their family's celebrations, but ultimately it just makes me miss my own more. This year absolutely no one called, emailed or even texted me a happy thanksgiving. Except my brother thank God and the bff who took me in this year. Everyone posted to Facebook of course, but the point is all of my friends know now just how over sensitive I am about this and how it hurts. They all know and yet still couldn't take two minutes to text 17 letters to me specifically. (Unless I texted them first before I accidentally left my phone home.) Granted they probably didn't text anyone, and I am aware of how small this is and how over reactive I am, but let's face it it's who I am. It's why I never wanted to open up to anyone- it just reminds me again and again how I'm not the most important person in anyone's life. At least before I could credit them with not knowing the underlying loneliness I feel and how happy it would it make me to get a goddamn text. 

But again I know this is an issue of oversensitivity so I don't blame them for not thinking twice. Well, I guess I do at least right now because it hurts. But I'll eventually forget, to be reminded next year same time same place. 

I hate Facebook. It makes it too easy to deny people direct contact. It is slowly destroying any real communication between people. At least texting is still person to person with specific intent. 

How am I supposed to survive this technological revolution?

I just want to stop caring. About everything.

Waiting For Fusion Part Deux

I asked my mom about that moment when she first saw my father again. I said love at first sight probably wouldn't happen for me. She said it didn't happen for her and my dad either. I practically shouted. 

WHAT? You've had me believing that my ENTIRE LIFE!

I don't know why.

You took your ring off when you SAW him!

Well sure, I liked him the minute I saw him and I knew I wanted to get to know him, but I wasn't in love with him. We didn't know where it was going, we just kept getting together and went with the flow. He was supposed to go back to the Philippines. We had no idea what was going to happen. Then your grandfather sat us down and said, "what are you two doing? are you getting married or not?" and that was that.

Wow. One of the most romantic beginnings to one of the least climactic proposals on record. Despite having the dream of my parents' romantic beginning destroyed, it actually made me feel a lot better. I started asking my friends about their significant others. All of their stories were different and yet similar in that there was something that drew them to their other half. Whether it was chemistry, or a I just want to be near this person feeling, to when I kissed him I knew.  So of course I started thinking about Fusion and what I felt when I met him. One of my friends actually asked if there were sparks. That question is specifically why I don't like telling people about my outings. I said no, not exactly, but that he was the first guy I'd met in a long time that I was interested in getting to know and that is huge for me. 

But after date #4 I started twisting up my emotions while trying to figure them out at the same time and I became confused and overwhelmed. (Actually to be honest, the anxious feelings started before date #4 but I had no idea where they were coming from or what exactly to attribute them to.) I started to feel like I was falling and it made me angry. Part of me thought maybe I was shutting down because I was approaching emotional territory with another human being. Part of me thought maybe there just wasn't any chemistry despite my liking him as a person and how much we had in common. As is my only way to deal with it I let myself get so upset I cried. All I did know was that it had nothing to do with him, it was all me, and that made me even crazier. Why can't I just deal with my emotions like a normal person??

I knew I had to talk to someone but I didn't want to call the bff. She's been trying to help me stay on the up and up and I didn't want to disappoint her I think, or at any rate hear her say I was being ridiculous. So I called my mother instead. I was well aware it was not the best idea but I sort of wanted her to witness how much she has f'ed me up. I mean, she knows she has but I wanted it to be as visceral for her as it is for me. That's terrible to say and unfair to her but in retrospect it's true. She did a pretty good job hiding her emotional issues from me growing up but they still trickled down. In the end she's my mom and essentially I want her comfort. Anyway I didn't put on a show, I'm not like that. But I knew I was going to cry because it's my coping mechanism and I would have done it with whomever I spoke, so I figured why not her.  

Her first response was to say I needed to go back to therapy. I could tell she wanted to help but didn't know how. Ultimately I just needed her to listen because very shortly after I got off the phone with her I felt much better. I talked about how I didn't know why I was upset, I just knew it wasn't because of him or the date that seemed to end weirdly. How I was frustrated with myself because I seem to get confused emotionally so quickly by no one other than myself. How even though I like him and wanted to get to know him, he himself doesn't really make me feel any particular way. How If he stopped communicating with me I wouldn't really care. How maybe I was shutting down. How my initial excitement blocked out any ability to get a feel for him. How maybe I was just really disappointed because it's been forever since I met anyone decent and he's not working out. 

Other thoughts after I finally talked to the bff (who didn't make me feel ridiculous) were if I really liked him I would have no problem texting him immediately to go out again (because I've done it before) or to invite him over to see what would happen. Instead I'm thinking, I've been alone for so long and clawed my way through life making every decision for myself by myself, I just want him to make the move. I want him to be a little romantic and put the first foot forward. I want him to show me he's interested.

I know that's not a totally rational expectation. Maybe he's not a romantic. Maybe he's shy in that respect and doesn't want to make the first move. I don't know. But after all is said and thought to death, the chemistry thing is what I figured out. It's just not there. It's been a week since our date and he hasn't communicated once. (Nor I with him but I wanted to wait to obviously see if he was still interested.) Other than trying to figure my own feelings out, I haven't really thought about him, the guy himself. Like what he was up to or even what he thinks about me. I can't help but feel that's pretty telling. When the days went by I figured maybe it was mutual, he didn't feel the chemistry either.

But then I got a text this morning- on the vague side if you ask me but then again I shouldn't read into a text, especially from a guy probably not thinking about what he's actually texting. He just wished me a happy holiday with a let's touch base next week about getting together. I'm still wondering if he's not feeling the chemistry and is texting just to be nice because let's touch base? Really? A week goes by and that's the effort? Seems lacking doesn't it? In his defense we've been pretty casual in our communications, but at the very least we've been straightforward with a plan of some sort. I wished him a happy holiday in return but that was it. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if/when he texts next week. I don't want to go out with him just to tell him I don't feel any chemistry and want to stop seeing him, but texting it seems lame too. I don't know. I guess time will tell as it always does. 

Overall, I think this has been a good experience and I've handled it pretty well. Even my little cry session. It's all new to me so I guess I'm just learning about my own behavior and feelings. I mean, I've gone on a few dates before and liked a few guys but none ever had the expectation to really go anywhere. When that expectation finally came to the forefront I broke down and went to therapy. I feel better equipped and much more open now having admitted it's what I want, but I still have to struggle through it. I suppose most people do actually. It would be a different world if it was easy I guess. 

Three and Four

Date #3 Dinner in Chelsea

The Nor'easter hit and when he texted there was already 4 inches of snow. I said as long as public transportation was running I was not rescheduling again! The restaurant he chose ended up being closed so we walked around to the first decent restaurant we saw. Conversation was still easy and it was fun to be out during such a snow storm. We discovered yet more parallels in our lives and when the date ended we kissed. And then I went in for another real kiss. It was really nice. He has soft lips. :) He immediately texted to meet up again for dinner next week, this time no snow.

Date #4 Dinner in Chelsea take 2

We decided to go back and try that restaurant again, and yet again it was closed despite the website NOT mentioning the closure either time. I heard some people passing by say it had been closed since the superstorm so it's even weirder that the website doesn't say anything. Also weird that it was not in the area that was flooded and the attached store was open. Anyway, again we were forced to just walk along the avenue to see what else there was. We stopped for Thai food, my favorite. I think I was a little low energy in the beginning because I was hungry and a little tired, but once I got some food in me I felt better. And then I didn't. Conversation was still fine, but things felt a little different to me. My stomach suddenly felt weird and I couldn't finish my food. Maybe a little anxiety attack? Then we went for coffee and tea and things felt even weirder. It seemed like he was distracted or suddenly not interested in what I was saying. He was tired too though so it may have just been an off night, but something nagged at me. When the date ended he kissed me quickly and we went our separate ways. No text followed from either of us. 

I'm not sure what to think but you know I can't stop. Mind on overdrive despite my best efforts to calm myself. 

Waiting for Fusion

I do my best to not take things for granted. Or put another way, I try to remember as much as possible to be grateful for what I have. Everything in life is lose-able. That said, every time I walked into the bathroom for the three days I was without power due to the storm I flicked on the light switch. EVERY TIME. It's a little bit of jolt to suddenly realize just how much you've been taking something for granted. But in all honesty who has the time (or memory) to think "thank you for electricity!" every time they turn on a light? Still, I can't help but think it can't hurt (karmically) to think it every once in a while and not just when you're suddenly without it.

I'm starting to wonder if it's like that with love for some people. Those who fall in love so easily they don't even know they're doing it. Sure they're heartbroken when they're suddenly without it, but do they ever appreciate how wonderful it is that they can fall so easily?

I think I've mentioned before how my parents met and fell in love at first sight. Literally. My mother was engaged to another man and when she saw my father she slipped the ring off in her pocket. She just knew. And my father, the devout Catholic he is, said but they're not married yet! when he discovered she was engaged. My gentle, soft-spoken, back down from every fight father. He knew. They have their issues but they are still married 47 years later. Perhaps love created it, perhaps life created it but my mother's completely contradictive independent co-dependence on my father and my father's oblivious co-dependence on my mother would absolutely have one lost without the other. Once I heard the story as a teenager and became truly aware of the life they created together I always assumed it would happen to me too. Despite all my hang ups and stepping back from men and dating, I still thought when I see him I will just know. It always bothered me when people said it doesn't work that way. Love grows. I always thought not for me. I'm going to get the fairytale.

I have harbored that feeling all of my adult life. And then a few weeks ago I met Fusion. It suddenly occurred to me that I'm not actually capable of love at first sight or even sparks upon first meeting. I closed down so much of the openness most people have when they meet someone new that any chance of something spontaneous happening is close to nil (but maybe not impossible?). My emotional self won't let it happen. I believe my emotional self could even dampen chemistry, even though it has way less control over me than it used to. In all honesty though the dream of following in my parents footsteps is most likely just that, a dream. It used to be unimaginable to me that I wouldn't know my future husband the second I met him. I look back (you know, to last month) at that headstrong naive girl and I'm amazed how so completely I refused to believe love could grow. Now I realize it's the only way it will happen for me. He will have to be my friend first, someone I trust and feel safe with after getting to know. I'm starting to believe those fireworks happen when love happens, no matter how long you've know a person. So maybe the whole cake and getting to eat it thing will happen for me after all.

I want to learn more about him. His likes and dislikes, how he interacts with other people, what makes him smile. I suppose ultimately I want to know if he's interested in learning those things about me too. I've been in too many one-sided friendships so I'm a big proponent of the two way street. We seem to be on the level about a lot of things so hopefully it runs deeper as well.

Meeting up with Fusion has been all but impossible since the storm. The closing of public transportation and bridges and tunnels has put everything on hold and my patience is wearing thin. Do I rely on public transportation or do I take it for granted? Luckily we both made it through relatively unscathed. He more so than me, I don't think he even lost power. Some of my friends are still without power but thankfully that's the worst of it. The Jersey shore was a huge part of my childhood and though I haven't been back in a while I already miss it. It was somewhere I wanted to bring my children if I have them and though I'm sure I will be able to in the future, it won't be the same.

But I digress. We have now postponed dinner twice, and I'm already sure we will have to again. We are supposed to get a Nor'easter on Wednesday, our next scheduled date. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but because of the storm public transportation recovery could be put on hold. Occasionally I think is this a sign? (Mars is in retrograde!) but then I answer don't be stupid it's just bad luck. We all know how long it's been since I've not only met a guy, but one worth pursuing, so thankfully rational thought is winning.

He's still texting asking if we're on so I guess it's a good sign he thinks I'm worth pursuing too.

Moving Forward

“So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.”
-Sylvia Plath

I could not have described myself better. I suppose what I have to remember is that I can't just wait around for someone to take interest in me. I have to take interest as well. Despite how much it has cost me in the past, it's time to move beyond it. Or at the very least be ready to risk a fall again. It's the only way to move forward.

So here I go.

AmeriFusion

Date #1 Coffee in my neighborhood

Coffee with, let's call him Fusion (for the fact that he's of mixed heritage as well as religions...I've also taken to calling myself Asian Fusion because I thought it was hilarious when Damon said it on TVD), went really well. We have so much in common it actually makes me nervous...I suppose it's the whole waiting for the other shoe to drop part of my distrust of meeting a seemingly decent guy. But he IS a genuinely decent human being and for that I like him a lot. Our political views and cultural views are in synch, he loves music and travel to the same degree I do and even his choice of foods is similar to mine. Conversation was easy and comfortable. (Too good to be true right?) We chatted for almost two and a half hours. He drove me back to my place and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He moved so I ended up planting one on him.

Date #2 Lunch in my neighborhood

He's working nights and I work from home so we met up for a quick lunch. I wonder if maybe I cut it too short (we did have time to sit in the park and chat) but I had to pee and sort of wanted to get home before my brain starting thinking too much. This time he leaned forward and we kissed properly. And chastely...for now. We texted pretty much immediately after about going out again so I'm thinking he's ok with it, if maybe a little disappointed.

I'm trying very hard to take this as it comes and not over-think every single little detail. I already told too many people about him and they're asking questions which is what I want to avoid. So far though I've managed to maintain my excitement about seeing him and getting to know him and letting things progress naturally.

Plus he's cute and I can actually imagine having sex with him. That has not happened in a loooong time. Even with Red I had a little trouble. So honestly this (just wanting to have sex with him) is a sort of breakthrough for me and I am hopeful about a relationship happening that will eventually lead to that. Maybe I'll finally be a big girl and let a man into my life!

What's Happening?

11:43am - BFF texts me her parents found me a husband while on vacation. They are not kidding.

12:20pm - BFF gives me his name, I look him up on Facebook and tell her I think he's cute.

12:23pm - BFF messages him on Facebook, telling me after the fact.

12:37pm - He messages BFF back with his number saying he'd like to meet me.

12:48pm - I text him.

1:13pm - He texts back.

I have a coffee date.

FINALLY.

:) 

Dinner With a Human of the Male Persuasion

Last night was the closest thing to a date I've had in a long, loooong time. But technically speaking it was not a date, nor did I attend it that way. 

Remember the ex-coworker I asked out over email? Well he contacted me again in that friendly how have you been way that is just so suggestive of interest! I told him I was doing well and really loving working for myself and he replied that he was thinking about heading down that route and he'd love to maybe get together and ask me a million questions. 

So last night we met up over dinner in the village. 

He's still cute. And also still 10 years younger. Sigh. Anyway, I surprised myself by not being nervous in the slightest. I did tell myself though the entire time between when he suggested getting together and when we met that it was not a date, it was simply a casual get together to chat about work. I gave him a hug and a greeting kiss on the cheek when we met, since I do that a lot with people (male and female) I haven't seen in a long time. We sat down and since he still works at the company we had a lot to catch up on. It sounds as if he's exactly where I was before I quit. It's so sad because this company has such potential to be a really exciting, fun, creative place to work, but because the higher ups are all egomaniacal ass hats who care more about enforcing their own opinions than the actual output of work none of the worker bees have a chance to really flourish. 

Anyway, it was comfortable and fun to talk with him, though I think I probably did a lot of the talking for once, and when we were done and standing outside the restaurant he asked what I was doing next. Because I am not a fast thinker on my feet I just told the truth, I was going home. I know many of you are shaking your head- this was the perfect place to flirt or even ask if he wanted to get a drink or dessert, but I just wasn't sure. If he had proposed it, I would have said yes. He mentioned a place that had great Philly cheese steaks down the block (which was clearly not an ask to extend our time together as we had just finished a huge dinner) to which I unveiled my non-red meat or dairy diet. Debbie Downer much? He seemed so excited about it...

Then he walked me to my subway and I gave him another hug, but this time without the goodbye cheek kiss- However, he gave me one. I don't know why but I always do that. If someone doesn't also kiss me in greeting, I feel weird about it and I don't do it again during the goodbye. But 9 out of 10 times I will get the goodbye kiss and so I feel like an ass for not. Oh social customs and self-confidence, can't you just stick to one method and go with it?

Overall it was a really nice night out, maybe more so because I didn't feel the pressure of being on an actual date, but in the end it makes me sad that I'm not out on the town more, with a male of course. Shocking.

I'm not sure how he felt about the whole thing- I mean I think he had a nice time, but I wonder if that ask about what I was doing next had some subtext to it. It's only natural I suppose. I don't know if he's still seeing the girl he was seeing when I asked him out. We didn't venture into that area and I was not about to ask. I'm fighting a bit of an internal war about how young he is and if I want to attempt to start anything since we're at such different stages in our lives. 

But I will say yes if he does contact me again and asks to go on a proper date.