Reflexive Anesthesia

"I don't wanna be nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be a shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all"
-Brandi Carlile

According to an online dictionary "FAITH" is: 1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1): fidelity to one's promises (2): sincerity of intentions

I think I've just realized why I feel numb so often. Aside from the constant routine of my daily life, which lately is very simply comprised of rising, eating, going to work, coming home, eating, going to sleep, I think I've lost my faith in people. (Or reversely, faith in myself to trust people?) So much of how we interact with others is based on faith. From every day acquaintances and co-workers to deep bonded friendships and relationships, our expectations of the people around us are that they b(1) will keep their promises no matter how big or small and (2) are sincere in how they act toward you. The bottom line being that they will not screw you over. When you think about it, this is a pretty amazing quality. The problem is, people fail. It's only human I guess. But I think my problem is that I've taken extra precautions to safeguard myself against feeling the effects of broken expectations.

I like to pretend that I'd be able to handle it if one of whom I consider to be a good friend where to somehow betray me at this point in our friendship. But deep down I know it would devastate me despite the wall that would immediately try to block it all out. This admittance is actually encouraging because it means I'm not as numb as I think I am. But...that wall...since I built it (which would be right after realizing my fault in the debacle with Jean) I just can't seem to take it down. It's become such a part of my life I don't even see it anymore, but I can feel it whenever someone new comes into my life and I can only see them at a distance. The odd thing is, no matter how much I reveal about myself (which admittedly is not usually a lot) I feel no closer. It's like a reflexive anesthesia to new people that makes me not care if they come or go no matter how much I like them. And often old people! Case in point, D. We were pretty good friends for a long while, granted the distance between us made it hard to really connect as we might have if we saw each other every day, but when he stopped writing it was almost like I didn't even care.

How have I come to be so cold?

Maybe with D it was more of an understanding that he had to let me go because I wasn't what he wanted me to be. I don't know, is it maturity that allowed me to just be ok with that? With losing a friend so that he could move on? Or is it this numbness? And even with my good friends...when the little expectations are sometimes broken (because after all we're all human, including myself) I still feel that wall, despite having actually allowed them into my heart. That sounds like a huge contradiction but no one ever said emotions were rational.

Though I've felt this numbness in the past, I think my present situation is acting as a magnifying glass over it. I've been under contract for a place to live for 6 months now, and during that time I've begged out of a lot of social gatherings because I want to save money. Of course, 6 months ago I did not know it was going to be 6 months and I'm starting to go stir crazy. I still don't have a close date because not all the paperwork and inspections are done and I just want to scream my bloody head off. I knew going in there was potential for it to take this long, but I apparently overestimated my virtue of patience.

I realized a while ago that I have placed a lot more on this move than just the expectations of a new residence. It has become a kind of symbol for change that I ultimately want to effect in my life. It will not only be a new place to live, but a new commute to work, new grocery stores to shop, new restaurants to eat in and so along with the physical change of pace I have it all worked out in my mind that I'm going to start doing things I always say I'm going to do but never do. Like exercise, see the sights, maybe join a club, get a cat and overall just get out more. I think living on my own will help this because there will come a moment, despite treasuring my alone time, when I will have had enough of myself and will want to be social.

But in the meantime, it feels like I've put my whole life on hold. Not going out, not spending money, freaking out about still not having a set date to which I can look forward to changing it all. It's such a nightmare. So I think I've kind of tried to numb myself to this now too. It's the only way I can relax about it. So I get up, I eat, I go to work, I come home, I eat, I go to sleep. All the while not really having to feel any way about any thing...It's been that way for too long now, so to break it up I did a somewhat impulsive thing and planned a little road trip next weekend with a friend. My last single friend in fact. It should be fun and a very welcome change to sleepless nights and tired days. For just a moment, I can take my life off hold.

But I wonder about this numb feeling...though I do think it's been magnified by what's happening in my life right now, the fact that it has been around for a while worries me. If I can't overcome this lack of faith in people, or in myself to trust people, how will I ever let someone in to share my life? I can only hope...another word for faith I suppose, that when I do meet someone I feel any kind of connection with he will somehow get in when I'm not looking. He will have to be quick whoever he is. And while I'm addressing him directly, where the hell are you? Don't you know you have some numbness to break though?

I Am What I Am

There are all kinds of reasons why people are alone. And when I say alone, in this case I am referring to people such as myself who don't actively repel people from their lives, are actually liked by the people around them, and yet are still single at an age that is deemed unacceptable to still be single. And that's not even including the whole virgin aspect of my particular singleness. What I have discovered is that only people who don't like being alone, or have never actually been alone, don't understand how people like me can somehow end up that way. What I have discovered is that there are a lot of people who don't like being alone. After all, it means being self-sufficient in every way imaginable: mentally, physically, financially...

I am on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to relationships based on need. I can't even imagine what that's like. The mere thought of depending on someone for my happiness makes me want to vomit (though that's not to say I would reject someone who could add to my happiness). So I guess I have to put myself in their shoes for a moment to understand how they could not understand that being alone and responsible for my own happiness is not as hard as it seems. Or even weird as many see it. The only reason why being in the shoes I'm actually in is better, is because one day I will be in a relationship and it won't be based on need. That's comforting for me because in order to fulfill need you have to take and when one side takes too much...Not that want is any less mutable, but at least I can hope for a maturity level that will view something such as a companion for life as an important want to contemplate.

The reason I am alone has most definitely changed over the years from fear to independence to depression to yearning for love, etc etc etc. Despite all the fancy articles written by people who are no doubt no longer virgins and scientifically researched (read: virgins polled on why they're still virgins) by corporations that don't really care (after all, what kind of a consumer does a virgin make regarding the sex industry? chastity belts?), no one has an answer for why older virgins (who aren't hard-core religious or in some way repellent to the opposite sex) exist. Or at least, the right answer. They all like to think they do, with the terms they coin i.e. involuntary virgin or sociopath, but it really seems like they're just trying to label us in order to understand us. We're a freak show they're watching under the big top. How did they get that way?

Ok so in reality I haven't read that many articles on virginity because I'm not really interested in the media's opinions about it. It is very disheartening to read quotes from assholes who are freaked out by virgins, I admit. Like every one of us is going to fall in love with and start stalking the first guy we sleep with just because he's the first guy we sleep with. (And vice versa for male virgins.) For all my posts about wanting to be in love, I'm not naive enough to believe my first time will a) be with someone I love wholeheartedly (it would be nice, but I'm not a fool) or b) make me fall in love with him or him with me. It's also irritating to read the latest theory about why I am the way I am wrapped up in a neat little new term. I also admit I fell for one of them when I read the involuntary virgin article on salon.com. I even blogged about it a while ago because I was actually excited to label myself for a moment. It makes me feel icky just thinking about it. When it comes down to it, for me it feels like they are the ones making the big deal about it, not me.

You might argue that a blog dedicated to the very subject would prove otherwise, but why did I start this in the first place? Because people were making me feel weird about being single and society was making me feel weird about being a virgin. I needed anonymous therapy to feel better. My only expectation of myself is to fall in love (which would eventually lead to the nixing of singledom and virginity) and it hasn't happened yet. Why is it so strange to have opted not to put love aside in order to fulfill the other two? Or should I say, to have just settled in order to fulfill the other two? Being in a couple and having sex makes you a "normal" adult but waiting for love (or at the very least some kind of real attraction) makes you weird?

I recently received an email from someone who had this to say (I hope he does not mind if I quote him):

"I think all human beings search for perfect love in one way or another. The difference is that, somehow, the majority finds "consolation prizes" or "silver medals" and grabs them in order to at least have a taste of paradise. But I fear...in our case we are aiming for the top prize and so we must be prepared to pay...Romanticism, loneliness, sadness are the price we pay for our…superior taste."

This is exactly the mode I have transitioned into...waiting for the top prize, complete with romance and passion. :) The fears of relationships and intimacy are still there, but have moved to the back burner so to speak. I have complete faith that when I meet someone I am interested in and attracted to, the fears will eventually dissipate. I know this because when I meet someone I am interested in and attracted to, I will actually want a relationship and intimacy. (I realize romance may be a side order, but if I'm already hoping for the gold...) It's the meeting someone part I am having a hell of a time with. It's not like I don't think about just going out and sleeping with the first guy who takes a second glance, but it wouldn't help any of the other issues. Though it might help with the panic I'll probably feel the first time I do it, having sex won't help me learn how to get into a relationship. I don't meet a ton of new people every day but yet I'm ok with waiting until our paths cross. Perhaps that's leaving too much to fate, perhaps it's just dumb. I don't know. But I do know a lot of people meet in the course of their every day lives, not actively attempting to meet people.

I'm a 30 year old virgin. I am the way I am because that's just how it happened. So be it. There are worse things I could be.

To Have Sex, Perchance To Sleep

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
~William Dement

The dreams are back. Or should I say Hypnagogic hallucinations. (I looked it up, and I have had both the visual and auditory kind though not a narc, nor on drugs nor suffering from mood swings. Ok so it may just be a self-diagnosis, but I have all the symptoms! So at any rate, can it really all just be due to my anxiety about sex? Pathetic!) I must be stressed, which is nothing new, so why suddenly the dreams again? Enough. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being watched or having my mind read. The other night I dreamed my bed was transparent and people could see me in my underwear. It's ridiculous because number one, what? What the hell kind of dream is that? Number two, who cares if I'm seen in my underwear? Everyone wears it! Number three, the odd thing is I didn't experience a feeling of shame or embarrassment at having my body revealed (like it was when I was a kid), it's more a feeling of having people know something about me I don't want them to know. The fact that my subconscious is using the image of my naked body as a metaphor for my naked mind/heart...or my fear of revealing myself to someone is so pedantic I can't even stand it. I'm vulnerable in body and mind. I get it. As if my nudity could reveal something...like my virginity maybe? Could I be any more unimaginative?

I spoke a little about it with a friend of mine and she claimed it was exactly that: my fear of intimacy. I don't want to be vulnerable and it's taking the form of being watched (and lately being naked). She said, and I quote, "You don't want to let anyone in and you know it. It's what you do." I really, really hate that she's right. She's one of the few that has gotten in and even experienced the worst of it, and yet she's still around telling me my truths. I tried to claim it was just stress and the evolvement of these sleep hallucinations but she wasn't buying it.

Last night I dreamed I was topless at a beach resort. No one else was and I was trying to cover myself by crossing my arms, but like before not because I was embarrassed. In fact I was quite comfortable and kept forgetting and lowering my arms. I was more concerned with how people would judge me because I was topless. Like they would think I was trashy and just wanted attention or something. Of course people from work showed up and that's when I really started to stress. I couldn't find my hotel room and I ended up running all over the place, trying to follow this tiny map that was embedded on the back of the key. All the while trying to avoid being seen because I was topless. So weird.

As much as I have tried to deny it, the one theme through all of these waking paranoid dreams is that anxiety about people (mainly work people for some reason) knowing things about me I don't want them to. It's never directly linked to my virginity, but I guess I have to admit that it must be playing a part. There really isn't much that I'm hiding per se either, aside from my personal sex life, which really is no one's business anyway so what the hell? I don't know about their sex lives, why should they know about mine? Why would they be interested anyway? I can't figure it out, and I would like this obvious insecurity to stop manifesting itself in these ridiculous hallucinations. A full night sleep would be so heavenly...For godsake there's a war happening, people are starving to death, the climate is changing, whole species of animals are dying out...the world is basically slowly imploding. Seriously, why is my freaking v-card the cause of all my anxiety! Enough!